Friday, March 26, 2010

I'll be happy when...

I remember a Buddhist Nun repeating this over and over during a teaching entitled, “The Agony of Not Enough”. I recently listened to that teaching again and was fascinated with the fact that 4 years later, I’m still experiencing its truth. But instead of getting depressed, I’ve decided it’s better to laugh about it and joyfully embrace the absurdity of my mind.

I think back to where my mind was 4 years ago and yes, my life looked a bit different than it does today. I was living in a Meditation Center, doing extensive retreats, and traveling all over the world to Buddhist Festivals. I was pretty much fully absorbed in spiritual practice. GUARANTEED HAPPINESS, right. Well, not exactly. It was more like,” I’ll be happy when I’m teaching Mediation; I’ll be happy when I don’t struggle as much with my mind; I’ll be happy when I move into the Meditation Center, I’ll be happy when I move out, I’ll be happy when I’m working less, working more.” On and on and on…

Well, when I finally did work less by losing my job, I WAS happy …for a while. But then the same song and dance began. I’ll be happy when I’m in India, when I’m teaching yoga, when I’m living in Paris, when I’m speaking French better, when I’m back in my house, when I’m out of my house. All those things have happened by the way and damn it, after every occurrence, my mind holds up the dangling carrot of not enough—what I really meant was I’ll be happy when I’m teaching yoga like someone who has been teaching for 20 years, or when I speak French like someone who has been speaking it for 20 years. The examples are endless aren’t they?

The bottom line is the bottomless pit of craving. It doesn’t matter what life looks like on the exterior, interiorly there is that nagging thought of, OK I have it now, I’ve accomplished my goal, now what? Something more, something different.

Ah, the craziness of the mind. Rarely present, and mostly hanging out in the past or in the future. That is why happiness appears to be so elusive and inner peace unattainable. But as it is often proclaimed in mindfulness circles, half the battle is in the awareness. Observing the absurdity without judgment. Just observing…and perhaps laughing. It IS pretty funny when you actually say these things out loud. And voila, happy! You can’t laugh and not be happy.

So maybe the real key to happiness is simply not to take oneself so seriously. Since time will inevitably change the perception of everything, might as well enjoy it all now, today.