Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Desert Renewal

I just returned from a 5 day yoga, hiking, camping retreat in Joshua Tree and am still basking in the warmth of whatever it is that happened there. I think the truth that has been so clearly revealed to me over the past few months has been the phenomenal power and predictability of intention. Setting an intention, can perhaps sound mundane or cliché in yoga circles, but I’ve found that as I have adapted the intention of service, gratitude, and devotion, it has proven to be anything but mundane. On the contrary, it has proven to be quite extraordinary. It has affected everything I do, every plan I make, and everything I merely think about.

I’m starting to see my life unfold in a way that I’m finally having the courage to dream about. I’ve been so guilty of not allowing myself to really dream and imagine living the life that is possible. I think sometimes I even try to control my dreams. Making sure they’re feasible and not too big or uncomfortable. It’s crazy and so fear based, I know. But with each experience of practicing courage, ignoring fear, and fighting paralysis, I collect more data. Data that verifies intention, data that supports I’m not going to fall apart, or be made fun of, or suck, or any of those other millions of reasons that keep me safe and stuck. A friend recently shared a quote with me from Anais Nin- ““And the day came when the risk to remain in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to bloom.”

So I went to the desert to bloom. I went to this retreat not knowing anyone including the teacher. My intention was two fold. Meet other gay men who were on a spiritual journey, and hope to meet someone who could help me with my new harmonium and kirtan (leading sing and response chanting). Pretty basic intention, rather safe and comfortable. But much to my surprise, this was merely a doorway into transformation.

Yes, I did meet wonderful gay men who are on a spiritual journey. And yes, I also met the incomparable, inspiring Ryan Brewer (http://www.ryanbreweryoga.com/)to bring out the bollo (singing) in me. But deeper than that, there was an internal eruption, a heart opening like I’ve never experienced before. It’s so hard to explain in words, but it’s like everything in my life just made sense. I remember a moment in a Krishna Das kirtan awhile back when the thought came to mind and the feeling enveloped my heart—this is all I’ve ever wanted to do, chant the names of the Divine. I will hold that feeling of the 12 of us sitting under the rocks chanting OM KALI for a long long time. Mantra has a way of calming the mind and softening the heart like nothing else I’ve ever tried.

So here’s to creating new samskaras (imprints left on the subconscious mind by experience), creating new data, creating new life, and creating new forms of bliss. May we all experience pure happiness, freedom from suffering, and ultimate liberation.

OM SHANTI