The past few weeks have been rather interesting as I’ve just allowed myself to explore what turning 50 means. It’s such a milestone, probably one of the biggest ones, and I’ve just wanted to spend some time mulling it over before putting my thoughts on paper.
The illusion of time has proven to be even more of an illusion to me now. I don’t know where it has gone. I’ve lost track of it, it seems to be speeding up, it used to be slower, there’s no more of it to kill, etc. What is it, this crazy thing, time? I was this person at a previous time, then I was that person, now I’m this person again. It just doesn’t make a lot of sense to me when I look at the passage of time from 1961-2011, my 50 years here on the planet so far. So many radical changes over the years. So many incarnations of Tim. Whew, exhausting to think about.
I feel stronger, healthier, and happier now than in any of the previous decades. Shouldn’t I be getting younger rather than older? Shouldn’t I have more life ahead than behind? Geez, I feel like I’m just getting started. And just like that, 50 years, poof. It ‘s such irony, maybe a cruel irony depending on your view of death, that just when you start to let your life ebb and flow more freely, you’re on the downward curve of your time.
Because of my Buddhist practice, I think and meditate on death frequently. It fuels my passion for the sacredness of precious human life. And yes, I know death is inevitable, natural, and necessary. But like everyone, I hope to put it off for as long as possible. That’s why I live life the way I do today, to improve the quality of each day, and to pile virtue onto my mental continuum for the next life.
But even with all this knowledge and awareness, I still find myself wanting to put on the brakes a bit and slow this aging process down. I’m happy to be 50. As is commonly stated, it beats the alternative. But that number, that finite number, 50. A not so subtle reminder that I don’t have too many more numbers to play with. Everyone has a number. And I must admit, up until this point, I haven’t given it too much thought. However, now, it’s boldly commanding my attention.
Here’s what it’s saying. There’s no more time for:
wondering what if, self doubt, lack of confidence, shame, fear of failing, fear of not being good enough, not forgiving, not living authentically, playing small, getting stuck, holding back, not believing in goodness, pushing love away, bottling passion.
Time is now. Life is today. 50 is a wonderful number, a gift that I embrace. It has helped me to affirm that: Divinity resides within, The world is my teacher, I am guided by higher power, and I am guided by inner wisdom.
