Reporting from the Deep End

Well it seems that this supposed last leg of my journey is proving to be the longest. I received word this week from my tenants stating that they will be staying until the end of June.  So I thought to myself, exactly what is it that I need to get back for? No job, no responsibilities, someone is paying my mortgage, and everyone I talk to says don’t come back the economy sucks.   I don’t know, but it seems pretty clear that I have the green light to continue doing what I’m doing.

It’s interesting though. I find myself at times longing to go home. I really miss the comforts of western life sometimes.  A lot of times actually. Especially in this heat. I was warned about being in south India past April, but had no idea it would be this hot. There is no AC in my apartment and the other night the electricity went off so there wasn’t even a fan.  I got 2 cold water bottles from the fridge and lodged them between my groin to try and cool off (an old trick from my ICU days we used for febrile patients.)Yes, it was that bad.

One of the first precepts in yoga is Santosha (the practice of contentment).   No problem doing this when things are going the way we want them to go, right?  But when the power goes off, and the oven is on full blast it’s a whole different level of practice.  A level here in India I’m faced with from the minute I get up to the minute I go to bed, and then some.

So I’ve been asking myself this question lately. Why do I put myself in these situations that push my buttons and challenge my comfort  level?   Having had some time to reflect on this the past week or so, I’ve been able to see patterns throughout my life. It’s certainly not the first time I’ve jumped into the deep end and come face to face with my limitations.  So to be perfectly honest, I’m not totally sure what the answer is. But looking at it in the light of  yoga practice, I think it has something to do with a topic I mentioned in a previous blog entry:  developing a new relationship with pain.  Because let’s face it, noone likes pain.  I mean for me, as soon as discomfort arises I want to change the situation somehow or run away from it.  I just don’t have a lot of tolerance for being uncomfortable.  However, that seems to be changing a bit.  My yoga teacher has taken me through the fire these past 2 weeks. From moments of terror to panic to tears to calm to serenity. Talk about a journey.  I’ve resisted and resisted emphatically stating “No, I can’t go deeper into the pose, I can’t relax. These are my limits , this is as far as my body will stretch. I can’t let go, it hurts too much.  STOP!“  But day after day he proves me wrong. And proves me wrong in monumental ways.  Knocking down every barrier I erect and showing me that the problem is my mind, not my body. 

I suppose the reward for putting myself in these uncomfortable positions, places and situations, is the joy that comes from watching them transform into comfortable positions, places and situations.  And the joy of watching my level of comfort  grow exponentially. No one said a spiritual life would ever be easy. In fact, it rarely is. But that doesn’t mean that it can’t be a joyful one. Even when it’s excrutiating and at times seemingly unbearable.  That is certainly what India has felt like to me on many occasions over the past 4 months. But apparently  I’m addicted to growth, and  can’t seem to get enough. So the journey continues. At least for another few weeks.

I leave you with the words of the wise master BKS Iyengar:

“Since pain is inevitable, asana(yoga) is a laboratory in which we discover how to tolerate the pain that cannot be avoided and how to transform the pain that can”