This is the question I’ve been asking myself lately. Why? I think it’s mostly due to all the rhetoric and vitriol filling the air waves lately, as the Gay marriage debate heats up in the California Supreme Court.
I have to admit I was a bit reticent to write about this since it’s not something I usually spend too much time contemplating these days. Mostly, I’m just very content to be on my yoga mat or going on a meditation retreat somewhere. I don’t enjoy conflict or debate. I simply want us all to play well with others and be nice. I feel like I’ve done my duty to speak up, and fight for Gay Equality. It was at a different time in my life. But I did it. I proudly came out, marched on State and National capitols, fought for AIDS legislation, and waved my rainbow flag as much as possible.
However, for the past decade or so my life has taken a different turn. I saw how the anger and fighting were robbing me of my inner peace, and decided to pursue a quieter path. Since then, I’ve certainly been much more at peace. My spiritual practice and lifestyle have deepened my experience of mindfulness and awareness. As a result, I haven’t really felt inclined to actively re engage in this battle. To be honest, it just hasn’t entered much into my consciousness the past few years.
At least until now.
As I’ve been challenging myself more and more the past few years by embarking on new adventures, and doing things I’m not comfortable doing. I’ve become more acutely aware of this chronic nagging belief I’ve held about myself. Essentially, it has been torturing me my entire life. That self loathing, you’ll never be good enough, you are lazy and undisciplined, crippling mind. I don’t think there’s a day that goes by that I don’t battle with self hatred and unworthiness. It’s my demon and I abhor it. In spite of the seemingly lack of evidence, I manage to, well …torture, (seems to be the most appropriate word), myself on a daily basis with these notions.
So I asked myself where is all this crap coming from. I think there is no question that being gay has contributed significantly to this long held twisted belief. No surprise there. Many gay people struggle with this their entire life. I know non-gay people do as well. But I’m not one of them, and I can only vouch for myself. When I realize that I’ve invested almost ½ century in self-loathing, I say, ENOUGH!
Now, what does this have to do with my original question? Well, everything actually. All those messages of unworthiness I got from as early as I can remember about going to hell, the unpardonable sin, “it’s OK to be gay, just don’t act on it,” “it’s your thorn in the flesh, we all have sin.” Blah blah blah. All of them, piercing daggers to the core of my being. Daggers that I still feel now. I have to pull them out every day. Every time I get ready to teach yoga, every time I meditate, every time I feel sexual, every time I breathe air. It’s pervasive, it’s always there.
That’s the bad news. The good news is, I’ve learned to move through it and tune my ear to more positive, loving messages.
However, it doesn’t mean that I still don’t get angry when I hear the vitriol spewing from the mouths of FEC’s (Fundamentalist Evangelical Christians). Their daggers, are piercing the hearts and minds of gay people everywhere. It has to stop! But will it? Probably not. The nature of fundamentalist anything is NOT to be open and loving. But rather to attack and destroy any belief system or moral code that is not consistent with its own. THAT I know. I was one of them for many years. I fought with such virulent hatred against a bitter enemy, the immoral, unlovable me.
So yes, it’s taken its toll over the years. And I will probably, on some level, have to deal with it the rest of my life. But I’m willing to do that because the pay off is more than worth it. I refuse to give in. I will continue to grow and reach to new heights, because I believe in my inherent goodness.
The question is what to do about all the FEC’s if we can’t get them to shut the FEC up. Well, one thing for sure is, I can’t confront them like so many wonderfully brave Gay, Lesbian and Straight friends of mine have done. I’m thankful for them, and I support their work. But it takes too much out of me to do that again. What I CAN do, however, is build up my gay family by offering support and creating helpful, healthy, loving, and safe venues to share our stories.
Consequently, this is the lemonade that has been produced by these very sour lemons: build on this blog by starting a social network or informational web site for Gay and Lesbian Professionals working in Clinical Research. I’m only in the beginning stages of developing the idea, but I’m moving forward.
Why clinical research? Well that’s what I do to earn a living. So why not start with my colleagues. Besides, I was moved by the story of a woman I worked with last week who just came out to her family. She has had to listen to all the above messages, ad nauseum over the past 2 weeks. It’s heartbreaking and infuriating.
So my idea is to create a virtual family of sorts that will bring us all together. Supporting and loving each other the way our biological families are sometimes either unable or unwilling to do.
Are FEC’s the enemy? I don’t know to be honest. I think the real enemy is my mind. That is the foe I want to conquer. Labeling someone an enemy doesn’t feel right. Labeling their words as enemies feels better. So I choose to fight their words and messages, but not by engaging them in any form of dialogue. I’ve heard and had enough. Instead, I will build fortresses of love and support that will protect and shield us all from their poison.
