I’m amazed at how much easier it’s becoming to do that these days. It’s like working out a new muscle, or working it in a different way. At first it’s painful, uncomfortable and you feel sore all the time. But eventually muscle memory sets in and the movement, or the work, seems effortless. There is hardly any discomfort at all. So much that you can barely remember what it felt like before you started working out.
Well, that seems to be perfectly analogous to the way I’ve chosen to live my life the past year and a half. Who knew how transformative losing my job and heading to India would be. And the transformation just keeps on going and going and going.
I must confess, oftentimes I feel like I’m playing out of my league. Constantly, it seems, embarking on new adventures that challenge my status quo. Accepting invitations to do things I’ve never done before. Trying to adapt to that lump in my throat or that tightness in my chest. Feeling self conscious about not being an expert in something, in anything really at this point. I’m swimming in a sea of uncertainty and I keep wanting to go back to the shallow end where it feels familiar and safe. But something keeps driving me to keeping playing in the deep end. To keep working those new muscles, and building my strength. To just keep saying yes to everything right now, and see just how expansive this brave new world can be.
Whew, OK take a deep breath and keep going. Eventually, I’m hoping, I will feel more relaxed and more accomplished in something. But then again, maybe my journey right now is to let go of needing to have that feeling. It has a way of keeping me humble that’s for sure. Not to mention motivated. Being new at anything requires much more effort and a lot more preparation.
The latest first for me was last week at Kirtan Camp. There were 60 of us in daily workshops with the Master, Jai Uttal, learning about the devotional yoga of leading sing and response chanting. I loved every minute of it. Mostly just getting to chant with Jai everyday. That in itself is heaven. But then actually leading a 10-minute session on my new harmonium with Jai in the audience was well…surreal. Yeah, that tightness was in my chest before I went on stage. But I realized once I started my favorite chant to Krishna, it was more a tightness of excitement rather than nerves. WOW, how amazing was that to realize!
I’ve been leading a few small kirtan groups over the past few months, but this took it to a new level. I think, well I know actually, that mantras are quite powerful. To sing them, to chant them, to repeat them over and over has a profound impact on the mind. It leaves an indelible imprint on the heart, and basically causes spiritual cardiomegaly (abnormally large heart size).
So, with this latest exercise routine of building the just say no to fear muscle, I do feel stronger and a bit more relaxed. Good thing, I just accepted an offer to lead meditation and kirtan at a workshop in Beverly Hills on Saturday.
Back to the Gym.
