Employment Eve

I’m coming up on my year anniversary of joblessness, and am filled with awe.  Awed at how wonderfully magical, inspiring, terrifying, and challenging it has been.  I think back to that weekend in March 2008 with Tony Robbins when I gave myself freedom to dream, freedom to imagine, freedom to set out on the adventure of a lifetime.

I remember vividly during the weekend we participated in something known as the Dicken’s Experience.  In short, it goes something like this:  imagine your life in 5, 10, 15 and 20 year increments. Imagine that at each of these milestones you are still holding on to the same fears and insecurities that limit you in the present moment. And that even after 20 years you are still resisting and settling for comfort. Settling for the illusion of the known, the safety of the familiar.  Now imagine all the people who will NOT have the opportunity to benefit from your kindness, your gifts, your love, your passion, your vision. Imagine all the people who will continue to struggle and suffer with pain and inner turmoil because they never had the opportunity to see how richly a life could be lived.   They never had the opportunity to meet YOU. You didn’t spend time with them helping them along their path because you were afraid of what people would say. Afraid that you would suck if you tried something new and looked silly. Afraid that you would fail. Afraid that you wouldn’t be loved. Imagine how all that would feel after 20 years.  Imagine how it would feel when you arrived at the end of your life. Imagine.

YEAH! Motivational, huh. It certainly got me out of the door and on my way.  That, and Merck giving me the boot. Thank you, Merck.

Not to say that I don’t still struggle with the aforementioned, because I do. To some degree, I’m confronted with those fears almost every day of my life. But as Vipassana Meditation has taught me. You don’t have to respond to it. Observe it, recognize what’s going on, and keep moving. Dance with the fear. Have to, since it doesn’t seem to be going anywhere. Might as well make the best of it.  If someone asks you to do something, just say yes, and figure out the “how to” later.  I’m trying it and it’s actually working.  I’m teaching yoga to Seniors now. And really loving it.

So once again, I’m on the eve of yet another transition. The world seems to be in constant motion and so am I.  Consequently stillness can sometimes appear elusive.

Spaces and gaps are not my favorite places.  But finding stillness in the motion most certainly is. 

Vipassana Report

It’s been a week now since I have returned from this wonderfully transformative retreat and am still trying to process all that happened. Like any intense spiritual experience on the mountaintop, it can be awkward returning to the valley, both literally and figuratively.  I’m trying to do what we did for 10 days, observe the sensations.

The Vipassana technique essentially involves just that. Scan through your body and observe the sensations as they arise without craving the feel good ones, and without avoiding the not so feel good ones.  Developing equanimity at the most subtle level of mind possible.  This, according to Vipassana, is the ticket to personal liberation.

I can’t begin to capture all that I experienced during this spiritual marathon.  I’m just so happy to have completed it without totally losing my mind. Starting at 430am and continuing until 9pm(with breaks of course) everyday was a daunting task for anyone, experienced meditator or not.  A couple of times during the sessions where we were instructed not to physically move for one hour, I thought--if I make it through without completely ripping off my clothes and running naked through the adjacent field, I will consider myself successful.  Challenging is putting in mildly. But that’s the nature of the mind isn’t it. Anywhere but here. That’s why I’m so distracted when I try to embrace stillness. My mind loves to dart away and be busy with planning the future, or craving the past.  Craving, avoiding, craving, avoiding…contributes to so much mental pain and suffering. 

So that’s what I did on my summer vacation--looked at the fluctuations of my mind. And yes, though it was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done, the rewards are immeasurable. Just developing better concentration is reason enough for celebration. All that constant chatter in my head really wears me down. Constant repetition of the same deluded thoughts.  Not hearing that for longer and longer periods of time brought so much peace. THAT’s what I want to incorporate more into my life.  I’ve actually decided it’s my life’s work, being present.  Because there is nothing but peace in the present moment.

That is my gift from Vipassana.  Accepting my life as it presents itself today. My happiness is now. Not when I achieve this, or when I accomplish that. It’s now, today. If not today, then never.

So today I celebrate all these and other wonderful gifts I have received during the past year.  I never dreamed I would take a year off and embark on this journey of a lifetime.  I’m overwhelmed with gratitude and humility.   

I return to the working world in 2 weeks. Dreams in motion continue.