I’m on the plane from Atlanta now, returning from a busy workweek in Florida. It’s been a great week, even though a bit exhausting at times. As I struggle to keep my eyes open from fatigue, I keep thinking about what my teacher recently challenged us with the last time she was in town. Why do you teach yoga? Know what that is, and plant it deep in your heart like you’re planting a seed.
It’s really important for me to remember that, especially when I’m tired, when I’m busy, when I’m anxious, feeling overwhelmed, etc. I stayed on the beach in Daytona this week and had 2 very special practices under the moonlight. Last night I didn’t think I could move but finally dragged myself down to the edge of the water, and let it heal my body and my mind. After a lot of OM’ing and other chanting, loudly into the crashing sound of the waves I might add, I was able to gradually move. The vibration of the continuous OM left me feeling tingly and teary. The deep breathing left me feeling open and warm. And then like magic, everything kicked in. I was so energized and happy. Clearly healed of my aches and pains, mentally and physically. At least in that moment. So there it is. That, is why I travel across the country, get back to LA at midnight, and get up to teach the next morning. That’s why I say yes to teaching level 2-3 flow classes when I feel like I’m way out of my league. (Thanks Ryan for pushing me). That’s why I practice when I feel sad or happy, lonely or connected.
The reason I practice and teach yoga can be summed up very simply in the following:
I have an unwavering faith in its indisputable healing power. My life validates it.
That practice last night was a nice grounding experience, as I left to meet my former partner for dinner. We hadn’t seen each other for more than 6 years. I needed to make sure I was OK before I saw him. I was. It was a sweet evening.
So much healing has occurred. It was nice to see it, to feel it. To enjoy the fruit of so much effort and commitment.
I woke up this morning and realized I had dreamt that I was flying.
OM SHANTI OM
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Sunday, October 17, 2010
IT GETS BETTER
As I sit on the front porch of the home I grew up in on this spectacularly beautiful Fall Sunday morning, I’m overwhelmed with a feeling of gratitude. So much stillness so much peace. I feel like I’m in an extended Sivasana. Nothing to do, but absorb. No plans, no goals, nowhere to be, nowhere to go. Just to sit and enjoy the sights and sounds of the morning.
Home. A place of refuge. A place to recharge, a place to plug in to stillness. A place to hear and feel my breath, to hear and feel the breath of nature. To touch peace. To feel the lifting of my life stuff, and imagine it dissolving into the fog floating above the motionless lake in front of the house. A moment of presence, a moment of now. A moment of perfection. Mmmmm.
Then, a Buddhist thought comes to mind. Offer this moment of perfection, Offer your mandala. Offer it to those who only dream of peaceful presence. To those whose “now” is a far cry from yours. I think about all those gay teens who will never know this, who didn’t give life enough time to get to this moment.
I know for me, there were many times as a teenager, sitting in this very spot where what appears to be a Pure Land for me now, only appeared like Hell at that time. Struggling with my newly emerging feelings toward men, that I didn’t understand and prayed would somehow go away. Feeling despondent and hopelessly trapped in this seemingly insurmountable conflict with my religious upbringing. How, why? All the self hatred, and confusion left little room for hope or peace. I don’t think I ever contemplated suicide, but I certainly felt like I was dying inside. I felt like a freak and I vowed to do everything in my power to be different and to feel differently. To fit in, to be loved. Fortunately I was able to fit in, externally anyway. But on the inside I was in agony.
The thought of someone telling me “it gets better” would have been amazing. It would have saved years of self loathing, years of searching for comfort, for relief, from the agonizing, unending inner conflict. Just someone to say, you’re perfect just the way you are. God didn’t make a mistake, you’re not a freak. It’s OK to feel what you feel, to love who you love. It’s all OK. Now let it go, move on, and live out your dreams.
I wished I would have heard that then. But better late than never, because I certainly hear it, and experience it now. It’s been an arduous and painful journey at times. But yes, IT GETS BETTER. I’ve taken on a variety of roles in the past 50 years. A preachers kid, a missionary, a party boy, an activist, a Buddhist, a yogi. All amazing roles, all so vitally important in weaving together the fabric that I see today sitting on this porch. I’m fortunate that I’ve had a loving family throughout this journey. They haven’t always, and probably never will, understand me. But they never kicked me out, and they never stopped loving me. For that, I am most grateful. Many of my gay brothers and sisters in the South are not so lucky.
So for them, and the countless others, we say, it gets better. It gets better because we love you. We believe in you, in your inherent goodness, in your perfection, in your fabulous gayness.
We’re out, we’re visible, we’re living our dreams. We’re here to help. We’re here to support.
We are your Role Models.
So hang in there because indeed, IT GETS BETTER.
Home. A place of refuge. A place to recharge, a place to plug in to stillness. A place to hear and feel my breath, to hear and feel the breath of nature. To touch peace. To feel the lifting of my life stuff, and imagine it dissolving into the fog floating above the motionless lake in front of the house. A moment of presence, a moment of now. A moment of perfection. Mmmmm.
Then, a Buddhist thought comes to mind. Offer this moment of perfection, Offer your mandala. Offer it to those who only dream of peaceful presence. To those whose “now” is a far cry from yours. I think about all those gay teens who will never know this, who didn’t give life enough time to get to this moment.
I know for me, there were many times as a teenager, sitting in this very spot where what appears to be a Pure Land for me now, only appeared like Hell at that time. Struggling with my newly emerging feelings toward men, that I didn’t understand and prayed would somehow go away. Feeling despondent and hopelessly trapped in this seemingly insurmountable conflict with my religious upbringing. How, why? All the self hatred, and confusion left little room for hope or peace. I don’t think I ever contemplated suicide, but I certainly felt like I was dying inside. I felt like a freak and I vowed to do everything in my power to be different and to feel differently. To fit in, to be loved. Fortunately I was able to fit in, externally anyway. But on the inside I was in agony.
The thought of someone telling me “it gets better” would have been amazing. It would have saved years of self loathing, years of searching for comfort, for relief, from the agonizing, unending inner conflict. Just someone to say, you’re perfect just the way you are. God didn’t make a mistake, you’re not a freak. It’s OK to feel what you feel, to love who you love. It’s all OK. Now let it go, move on, and live out your dreams.
I wished I would have heard that then. But better late than never, because I certainly hear it, and experience it now. It’s been an arduous and painful journey at times. But yes, IT GETS BETTER. I’ve taken on a variety of roles in the past 50 years. A preachers kid, a missionary, a party boy, an activist, a Buddhist, a yogi. All amazing roles, all so vitally important in weaving together the fabric that I see today sitting on this porch. I’m fortunate that I’ve had a loving family throughout this journey. They haven’t always, and probably never will, understand me. But they never kicked me out, and they never stopped loving me. For that, I am most grateful. Many of my gay brothers and sisters in the South are not so lucky.
So for them, and the countless others, we say, it gets better. It gets better because we love you. We believe in you, in your inherent goodness, in your perfection, in your fabulous gayness.
We’re out, we’re visible, we’re living our dreams. We’re here to help. We’re here to support.
We are your Role Models.
So hang in there because indeed, IT GETS BETTER.
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Just say NO to fear
I’m amazed at how much easier it’s becoming to do that these days. It’s like working out a new muscle, or working it in a different way. At first it’s painful, uncomfortable and you feel sore all the time. But eventually muscle memory sets in and the movement, or the work, seems effortless. There is hardly any discomfort at all. So much that you can barely remember what it felt like before you started working out.
Well, that seems to be perfectly analogous to the way I’ve chosen to live my life the past year and a half. Who knew how transformative losing my job and heading to India would be. And the transformation just keeps on going and going and going.
I must confess, oftentimes I feel like I’m playing out of my league. Constantly, it seems, embarking on new adventures that challenge my status quo. Accepting invitations to do things I’ve never done before. Trying to adapt to that lump in my throat or that tightness in my chest. Feeling self conscious about not being an expert in something, in anything really at this point. I’m swimming in a sea of uncertainty and I keep wanting to go back to the shallow end where it feels familiar and safe. But something keeps driving me to keeping playing in the deep end. To keep working those new muscles, and building my strength. To just keep saying yes to everything right now, and see just how expansive this brave new world can be.
Whew, OK take a deep breath and keep going. Eventually, I’m hoping, I will feel more relaxed and more accomplished in something. But then again, maybe my journey right now is to let go of needing to have that feeling. It has a way of keeping me humble that’s for sure. Not to mention motivated. Being new at anything requires much more effort and a lot more preparation.
The latest first for me was last week at Kirtan Camp. There were 60 of us in daily workshops with the Master, Jai Uttal, learning about the devotional yoga of leading sing and response chanting. I loved every minute of it. Mostly just getting to chant with Jai everyday. That in itself is heaven. But then actually leading a 10-minute session on my new harmonium with Jai in the audience was well…surreal. Yeah, that tightness was in my chest before I went on stage. But I realized once I started my favorite chant to Krishna, it was more a tightness of excitement rather than nerves. WOW, how amazing was that to realize!
I’ve been leading a few small kirtan groups over the past few months, but this took it to a new level. I think, well I know actually, that mantras are quite powerful. To sing them, to chant them, to repeat them over and over has a profound impact on the mind. It leaves an indelible imprint on the heart, and basically causes spiritual cardiomegaly (abnormally large heart size).
So, with this latest exercise routine of building the just say no to fear muscle, I do feel stronger and a bit more relaxed. Good thing, I just accepted an offer to lead meditation and kirtan at a workshop in Beverly Hills on Saturday.
Back to the Gym.
Well, that seems to be perfectly analogous to the way I’ve chosen to live my life the past year and a half. Who knew how transformative losing my job and heading to India would be. And the transformation just keeps on going and going and going.
I must confess, oftentimes I feel like I’m playing out of my league. Constantly, it seems, embarking on new adventures that challenge my status quo. Accepting invitations to do things I’ve never done before. Trying to adapt to that lump in my throat or that tightness in my chest. Feeling self conscious about not being an expert in something, in anything really at this point. I’m swimming in a sea of uncertainty and I keep wanting to go back to the shallow end where it feels familiar and safe. But something keeps driving me to keeping playing in the deep end. To keep working those new muscles, and building my strength. To just keep saying yes to everything right now, and see just how expansive this brave new world can be.
Whew, OK take a deep breath and keep going. Eventually, I’m hoping, I will feel more relaxed and more accomplished in something. But then again, maybe my journey right now is to let go of needing to have that feeling. It has a way of keeping me humble that’s for sure. Not to mention motivated. Being new at anything requires much more effort and a lot more preparation.
The latest first for me was last week at Kirtan Camp. There were 60 of us in daily workshops with the Master, Jai Uttal, learning about the devotional yoga of leading sing and response chanting. I loved every minute of it. Mostly just getting to chant with Jai everyday. That in itself is heaven. But then actually leading a 10-minute session on my new harmonium with Jai in the audience was well…surreal. Yeah, that tightness was in my chest before I went on stage. But I realized once I started my favorite chant to Krishna, it was more a tightness of excitement rather than nerves. WOW, how amazing was that to realize!
I’ve been leading a few small kirtan groups over the past few months, but this took it to a new level. I think, well I know actually, that mantras are quite powerful. To sing them, to chant them, to repeat them over and over has a profound impact on the mind. It leaves an indelible imprint on the heart, and basically causes spiritual cardiomegaly (abnormally large heart size).
So, with this latest exercise routine of building the just say no to fear muscle, I do feel stronger and a bit more relaxed. Good thing, I just accepted an offer to lead meditation and kirtan at a workshop in Beverly Hills on Saturday.
Back to the Gym.
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Desert Renewal
I just returned from a 5 day yoga, hiking, camping retreat in Joshua Tree and am still basking in the warmth of whatever it is that happened there. I think the truth that has been so clearly revealed to me over the past few months has been the phenomenal power and predictability of intention. Setting an intention, can perhaps sound mundane or cliché in yoga circles, but I’ve found that as I have adapted the intention of service, gratitude, and devotion, it has proven to be anything but mundane. On the contrary, it has proven to be quite extraordinary. It has affected everything I do, every plan I make, and everything I merely think about.
I’m starting to see my life unfold in a way that I’m finally having the courage to dream about. I’ve been so guilty of not allowing myself to really dream and imagine living the life that is possible. I think sometimes I even try to control my dreams. Making sure they’re feasible and not too big or uncomfortable. It’s crazy and so fear based, I know. But with each experience of practicing courage, ignoring fear, and fighting paralysis, I collect more data. Data that verifies intention, data that supports I’m not going to fall apart, or be made fun of, or suck, or any of those other millions of reasons that keep me safe and stuck. A friend recently shared a quote with me from Anais Nin- ““And the day came when the risk to remain in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to bloom.”
So I went to the desert to bloom. I went to this retreat not knowing anyone including the teacher. My intention was two fold. Meet other gay men who were on a spiritual journey, and hope to meet someone who could help me with my new harmonium and kirtan (leading sing and response chanting). Pretty basic intention, rather safe and comfortable. But much to my surprise, this was merely a doorway into transformation.
Yes, I did meet wonderful gay men who are on a spiritual journey. And yes, I also met the incomparable, inspiring Ryan Brewer (http://www.ryanbreweryoga.com/)to bring out the bollo (singing) in me. But deeper than that, there was an internal eruption, a heart opening like I’ve never experienced before. It’s so hard to explain in words, but it’s like everything in my life just made sense. I remember a moment in a Krishna Das kirtan awhile back when the thought came to mind and the feeling enveloped my heart—this is all I’ve ever wanted to do, chant the names of the Divine. I will hold that feeling of the 12 of us sitting under the rocks chanting OM KALI for a long long time. Mantra has a way of calming the mind and softening the heart like nothing else I’ve ever tried.
So here’s to creating new samskaras (imprints left on the subconscious mind by experience), creating new data, creating new life, and creating new forms of bliss. May we all experience pure happiness, freedom from suffering, and ultimate liberation.
OM SHANTI
I’m starting to see my life unfold in a way that I’m finally having the courage to dream about. I’ve been so guilty of not allowing myself to really dream and imagine living the life that is possible. I think sometimes I even try to control my dreams. Making sure they’re feasible and not too big or uncomfortable. It’s crazy and so fear based, I know. But with each experience of practicing courage, ignoring fear, and fighting paralysis, I collect more data. Data that verifies intention, data that supports I’m not going to fall apart, or be made fun of, or suck, or any of those other millions of reasons that keep me safe and stuck. A friend recently shared a quote with me from Anais Nin- ““And the day came when the risk to remain in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to bloom.”
So I went to the desert to bloom. I went to this retreat not knowing anyone including the teacher. My intention was two fold. Meet other gay men who were on a spiritual journey, and hope to meet someone who could help me with my new harmonium and kirtan (leading sing and response chanting). Pretty basic intention, rather safe and comfortable. But much to my surprise, this was merely a doorway into transformation.
Yes, I did meet wonderful gay men who are on a spiritual journey. And yes, I also met the incomparable, inspiring Ryan Brewer (http://www.ryanbreweryoga.com/)to bring out the bollo (singing) in me. But deeper than that, there was an internal eruption, a heart opening like I’ve never experienced before. It’s so hard to explain in words, but it’s like everything in my life just made sense. I remember a moment in a Krishna Das kirtan awhile back when the thought came to mind and the feeling enveloped my heart—this is all I’ve ever wanted to do, chant the names of the Divine. I will hold that feeling of the 12 of us sitting under the rocks chanting OM KALI for a long long time. Mantra has a way of calming the mind and softening the heart like nothing else I’ve ever tried.
So here’s to creating new samskaras (imprints left on the subconscious mind by experience), creating new data, creating new life, and creating new forms of bliss. May we all experience pure happiness, freedom from suffering, and ultimate liberation.
OM SHANTI
Sunday, April 4, 2010
Heart Openers and Opinions
“To learn to see more deeply, practice having no opinions for a time. Be willing to say, “I don’t know”. This “not knowing” allows space for true knowing, because the intellect is not the center of spiritual knowledge and wisdom; this is the higher function of the heart within the heart. “ Max Strom, from A Life Worth Breathing.
Last night I was watching the NCAA Men’s Basketball Semifinal game between Duke and West Virginia, and had a rather surprisingly profound heart opening moment. When it happened I was reminded of how many times I have robbed myself of experiences like this because of my opinions, my views, and my judgments of people and their past behavior.
Bob Huggins, the coach of West Virginia is not someone you would characterize as warm and fuzzy . He’s had some media run-ins, racist rants, DUI’s etc. So it’s easy to simply dismiss him as a big oaf. But then something extraordinary happened. One of his players went down with a torn ACL, and was writhing and screaming in pain. At first there was nothing anyone could do because he couldn’t be still long enough to be helped. Then after a few moments Huggins came over, knelt beside him, cradled his head in his hands, and began to console him. No one knew what he was saying. It didn’t really matter. It was just such a powerful moment to see that much love and compassion flowing from one person to another. It was the final 5 minutes of De Sean Butler’s college career and his team was about to lose. Huggins was doing everything in his power to take away all of Butler’s physical and emotional pain.
I couldn’t get the image out of my mind last night. Then I went to yoga this morning and had trouble getting up from Sivasana. My heart felt like it was going to explode. Afterwards, during breakfast, I started reading a Thich Nhat Hanh article on hidden Boddhisatvas. That's when I finally lost it and the tears begin to flow. So much love, so much peace.
Thank you Bob Huggins.
In the words of a very wise Buddhist Master, “appearances are deceptive and our opinions are unreliable. “
Last night I was watching the NCAA Men’s Basketball Semifinal game between Duke and West Virginia, and had a rather surprisingly profound heart opening moment. When it happened I was reminded of how many times I have robbed myself of experiences like this because of my opinions, my views, and my judgments of people and their past behavior.
Bob Huggins, the coach of West Virginia is not someone you would characterize as warm and fuzzy . He’s had some media run-ins, racist rants, DUI’s etc. So it’s easy to simply dismiss him as a big oaf. But then something extraordinary happened. One of his players went down with a torn ACL, and was writhing and screaming in pain. At first there was nothing anyone could do because he couldn’t be still long enough to be helped. Then after a few moments Huggins came over, knelt beside him, cradled his head in his hands, and began to console him. No one knew what he was saying. It didn’t really matter. It was just such a powerful moment to see that much love and compassion flowing from one person to another. It was the final 5 minutes of De Sean Butler’s college career and his team was about to lose. Huggins was doing everything in his power to take away all of Butler’s physical and emotional pain.
I couldn’t get the image out of my mind last night. Then I went to yoga this morning and had trouble getting up from Sivasana. My heart felt like it was going to explode. Afterwards, during breakfast, I started reading a Thich Nhat Hanh article on hidden Boddhisatvas. That's when I finally lost it and the tears begin to flow. So much love, so much peace.
Thank you Bob Huggins.
In the words of a very wise Buddhist Master, “appearances are deceptive and our opinions are unreliable. “
Friday, March 26, 2010
I'll be happy when...
I remember a Buddhist Nun repeating this over and over during a teaching entitled, “The Agony of Not Enough”. I recently listened to that teaching again and was fascinated with the fact that 4 years later, I’m still experiencing its truth. But instead of getting depressed, I’ve decided it’s better to laugh about it and joyfully embrace the absurdity of my mind.
I think back to where my mind was 4 years ago and yes, my life looked a bit different than it does today. I was living in a Meditation Center, doing extensive retreats, and traveling all over the world to Buddhist Festivals. I was pretty much fully absorbed in spiritual practice. GUARANTEED HAPPINESS, right. Well, not exactly. It was more like,” I’ll be happy when I’m teaching Mediation; I’ll be happy when I don’t struggle as much with my mind; I’ll be happy when I move into the Meditation Center, I’ll be happy when I move out, I’ll be happy when I’m working less, working more.” On and on and on…
Well, when I finally did work less by losing my job, I WAS happy …for a while. But then the same song and dance began. I’ll be happy when I’m in India, when I’m teaching yoga, when I’m living in Paris, when I’m speaking French better, when I’m back in my house, when I’m out of my house. All those things have happened by the way and damn it, after every occurrence, my mind holds up the dangling carrot of not enough—what I really meant was I’ll be happy when I’m teaching yoga like someone who has been teaching for 20 years, or when I speak French like someone who has been speaking it for 20 years. The examples are endless aren’t they?
The bottom line is the bottomless pit of craving. It doesn’t matter what life looks like on the exterior, interiorly there is that nagging thought of, OK I have it now, I’ve accomplished my goal, now what? Something more, something different.
Ah, the craziness of the mind. Rarely present, and mostly hanging out in the past or in the future. That is why happiness appears to be so elusive and inner peace unattainable. But as it is often proclaimed in mindfulness circles, half the battle is in the awareness. Observing the absurdity without judgment. Just observing…and perhaps laughing. It IS pretty funny when you actually say these things out loud. And voila, happy! You can’t laugh and not be happy.
So maybe the real key to happiness is simply not to take oneself so seriously. Since time will inevitably change the perception of everything, might as well enjoy it all now, today.
I think back to where my mind was 4 years ago and yes, my life looked a bit different than it does today. I was living in a Meditation Center, doing extensive retreats, and traveling all over the world to Buddhist Festivals. I was pretty much fully absorbed in spiritual practice. GUARANTEED HAPPINESS, right. Well, not exactly. It was more like,” I’ll be happy when I’m teaching Mediation; I’ll be happy when I don’t struggle as much with my mind; I’ll be happy when I move into the Meditation Center, I’ll be happy when I move out, I’ll be happy when I’m working less, working more.” On and on and on…
Well, when I finally did work less by losing my job, I WAS happy …for a while. But then the same song and dance began. I’ll be happy when I’m in India, when I’m teaching yoga, when I’m living in Paris, when I’m speaking French better, when I’m back in my house, when I’m out of my house. All those things have happened by the way and damn it, after every occurrence, my mind holds up the dangling carrot of not enough—what I really meant was I’ll be happy when I’m teaching yoga like someone who has been teaching for 20 years, or when I speak French like someone who has been speaking it for 20 years. The examples are endless aren’t they?
The bottom line is the bottomless pit of craving. It doesn’t matter what life looks like on the exterior, interiorly there is that nagging thought of, OK I have it now, I’ve accomplished my goal, now what? Something more, something different.
Ah, the craziness of the mind. Rarely present, and mostly hanging out in the past or in the future. That is why happiness appears to be so elusive and inner peace unattainable. But as it is often proclaimed in mindfulness circles, half the battle is in the awareness. Observing the absurdity without judgment. Just observing…and perhaps laughing. It IS pretty funny when you actually say these things out loud. And voila, happy! You can’t laugh and not be happy.
So maybe the real key to happiness is simply not to take oneself so seriously. Since time will inevitably change the perception of everything, might as well enjoy it all now, today.
Saturday, February 20, 2010
Discipline versus Commitment
So often I find myself struggling with the idea of self-discipline. It’s not something I would say that I have a lot of. Why IS that? I mean, I meditate regularly, have a consistent yoga practice, set goals, make necessary sacrifices to achieve them, etc. I know that I can come of with a list of reasons that would support the presence of self-discipline in my life. However, I think it’s just easier and more familiar for me to look at others who are more disciplined, more devoted, more successful, etc.,then decide that I am not a person who possesses self-discipline. Because others have more, I must have none.
Crazy, illogical thinking no doubt. But I know I’m not the only one who thinks this way. It’s just another piece of wood in that big club we use to beat ourselves up with.
A great deal of my inner work these days, has been to recognize when that old tape starts playing in my head, and then simply refuse to listen to it. Carry on as if it weren’t true at all. It’s annoying to have to work so hard at it, but I’m just getting sick and tired of that damn club.
Another tool, I recently discovered came from an article I read recently from Judith Hanson Lasater(http://www.judithlasater.com/)addressing the difference between discipline and commitment. Instead of explaining it, I wanted to simply include it here:
“There is a big difference between discipline and commitment. Discipline is something that is externally generated. It is a “should”. We have often internalized this “should” as the concept of discipline into our own inner voices; this is the voice we hear inside berating us when we don’t practice.
Commitment, on the other hand, is a choice we make of our own volition. The difference between discipline and commitment is conflict. When we are imposing discipline upon ourselves we are in conflict with ourselves. Arguing inside, “yes, no, yes, no”. But when we are committed, there is no conflict, no argument, no problem.
Comforting words for someone like me who is so driven, yet intensely self critical and judgmental.
Crazy, illogical thinking no doubt. But I know I’m not the only one who thinks this way. It’s just another piece of wood in that big club we use to beat ourselves up with.
A great deal of my inner work these days, has been to recognize when that old tape starts playing in my head, and then simply refuse to listen to it. Carry on as if it weren’t true at all. It’s annoying to have to work so hard at it, but I’m just getting sick and tired of that damn club.
Another tool, I recently discovered came from an article I read recently from Judith Hanson Lasater(http://www.judithlasater.com/)addressing the difference between discipline and commitment. Instead of explaining it, I wanted to simply include it here:
“There is a big difference between discipline and commitment. Discipline is something that is externally generated. It is a “should”. We have often internalized this “should” as the concept of discipline into our own inner voices; this is the voice we hear inside berating us when we don’t practice.
Commitment, on the other hand, is a choice we make of our own volition. The difference between discipline and commitment is conflict. When we are imposing discipline upon ourselves we are in conflict with ourselves. Arguing inside, “yes, no, yes, no”. But when we are committed, there is no conflict, no argument, no problem.
Comforting words for someone like me who is so driven, yet intensely self critical and judgmental.
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Are Fundamentalist Evangelical Christians the Enemy?
This is the question I’ve been asking myself lately. Why? I think it’s mostly due to all the rhetoric and vitriol filling the air waves lately, as the Gay marriage debate heats up in the California Supreme Court.
I have to admit I was a bit reticent to write about this since it’s not something I usually spend too much time contemplating these days. Mostly, I’m just very content to be on my yoga mat or going on a meditation retreat somewhere. I don’t enjoy conflict or debate. I simply want us all to play well with others and be nice. I feel like I’ve done my duty to speak up, and fight for Gay Equality. It was at a different time in my life. But I did it. I proudly came out, marched on State and National capitols, fought for AIDS legislation, and waved my rainbow flag as much as possible.
However, for the past decade or so my life has taken a different turn. I saw how the anger and fighting were robbing me of my inner peace, and decided to pursue a quieter path. Since then, I’ve certainly been much more at peace. My spiritual practice and lifestyle have deepened my experience of mindfulness and awareness. As a result, I haven’t really felt inclined to actively re engage in this battle. To be honest, it just hasn’t entered much into my consciousness the past few years.
At least until now.
As I’ve been challenging myself more and more the past few years by embarking on new adventures, and doing things I’m not comfortable doing. I’ve become more acutely aware of this chronic nagging belief I’ve held about myself. Essentially, it has been torturing me my entire life. That self loathing, you’ll never be good enough, you are lazy and undisciplined, crippling mind. I don’t think there’s a day that goes by that I don’t battle with self hatred and unworthiness. It’s my demon and I abhor it. In spite of the seemingly lack of evidence, I manage to, well …torture, (seems to be the most appropriate word), myself on a daily basis with these notions.
So I asked myself where is all this crap coming from. I think there is no question that being gay has contributed significantly to this long held twisted belief. No surprise there. Many gay people struggle with this their entire life. I know non-gay people do as well. But I’m not one of them, and I can only vouch for myself. When I realize that I’ve invested almost ½ century in self-loathing, I say, ENOUGH!
Now, what does this have to do with my original question? Well, everything actually. All those messages of unworthiness I got from as early as I can remember about going to hell, the unpardonable sin, “it’s OK to be gay, just don’t act on it,” “it’s your thorn in the flesh, we all have sin.” Blah blah blah. All of them, piercing daggers to the core of my being. Daggers that I still feel now. I have to pull them out every day. Every time I get ready to teach yoga, every time I meditate, every time I feel sexual, every time I breathe air. It’s pervasive, it’s always there.
That’s the bad news. The good news is, I’ve learned to move through it and tune my ear to more positive, loving messages.
However, it doesn’t mean that I still don’t get angry when I hear the vitriol spewing from the mouths of FEC’s (Fundamentalist Evangelical Christians). Their daggers, are piercing the hearts and minds of gay people everywhere. It has to stop! But will it? Probably not. The nature of fundamentalist anything is NOT to be open and loving. But rather to attack and destroy any belief system or moral code that is not consistent with its own. THAT I know. I was one of them for many years. I fought with such virulent hatred against a bitter enemy, the immoral, unlovable me.
So yes, it’s taken its toll over the years. And I will probably, on some level, have to deal with it the rest of my life. But I’m willing to do that because the pay off is more than worth it. I refuse to give in. I will continue to grow and reach to new heights, because I believe in my inherent goodness.
The question is what to do about all the FEC’s if we can’t get them to shut the FEC up. Well, one thing for sure is, I can’t confront them like so many wonderfully brave Gay, Lesbian and Straight friends of mine have done. I’m thankful for them, and I support their work. But it takes too much out of me to do that again. What I CAN do, however, is build up my gay family by offering support and creating helpful, healthy, loving, and safe venues to share our stories.
Consequently, this is the lemonade that has been produced by these very sour lemons: build on this blog by starting a social network or informational web site for Gay and Lesbian Professionals working in Clinical Research. I’m only in the beginning stages of developing the idea, but I’m moving forward.
Why clinical research? Well that’s what I do to earn a living. So why not start with my colleagues. Besides, I was moved by the story of a woman I worked with last week who just came out to her family. She has had to listen to all the above messages, ad nauseum over the past 2 weeks. It’s heartbreaking and infuriating.
So my idea is to create a virtual family of sorts that will bring us all together. Supporting and loving each other the way our biological families are sometimes either unable or unwilling to do.
Are FEC’s the enemy? I don’t know to be honest. I think the real enemy is my mind. That is the foe I want to conquer. Labeling someone an enemy doesn’t feel right. Labeling their words as enemies feels better. So I choose to fight their words and messages, but not by engaging them in any form of dialogue. I’ve heard and had enough. Instead, I will build fortresses of love and support that will protect and shield us all from their poison.
I have to admit I was a bit reticent to write about this since it’s not something I usually spend too much time contemplating these days. Mostly, I’m just very content to be on my yoga mat or going on a meditation retreat somewhere. I don’t enjoy conflict or debate. I simply want us all to play well with others and be nice. I feel like I’ve done my duty to speak up, and fight for Gay Equality. It was at a different time in my life. But I did it. I proudly came out, marched on State and National capitols, fought for AIDS legislation, and waved my rainbow flag as much as possible.
However, for the past decade or so my life has taken a different turn. I saw how the anger and fighting were robbing me of my inner peace, and decided to pursue a quieter path. Since then, I’ve certainly been much more at peace. My spiritual practice and lifestyle have deepened my experience of mindfulness and awareness. As a result, I haven’t really felt inclined to actively re engage in this battle. To be honest, it just hasn’t entered much into my consciousness the past few years.
At least until now.
As I’ve been challenging myself more and more the past few years by embarking on new adventures, and doing things I’m not comfortable doing. I’ve become more acutely aware of this chronic nagging belief I’ve held about myself. Essentially, it has been torturing me my entire life. That self loathing, you’ll never be good enough, you are lazy and undisciplined, crippling mind. I don’t think there’s a day that goes by that I don’t battle with self hatred and unworthiness. It’s my demon and I abhor it. In spite of the seemingly lack of evidence, I manage to, well …torture, (seems to be the most appropriate word), myself on a daily basis with these notions.
So I asked myself where is all this crap coming from. I think there is no question that being gay has contributed significantly to this long held twisted belief. No surprise there. Many gay people struggle with this their entire life. I know non-gay people do as well. But I’m not one of them, and I can only vouch for myself. When I realize that I’ve invested almost ½ century in self-loathing, I say, ENOUGH!
Now, what does this have to do with my original question? Well, everything actually. All those messages of unworthiness I got from as early as I can remember about going to hell, the unpardonable sin, “it’s OK to be gay, just don’t act on it,” “it’s your thorn in the flesh, we all have sin.” Blah blah blah. All of them, piercing daggers to the core of my being. Daggers that I still feel now. I have to pull them out every day. Every time I get ready to teach yoga, every time I meditate, every time I feel sexual, every time I breathe air. It’s pervasive, it’s always there.
That’s the bad news. The good news is, I’ve learned to move through it and tune my ear to more positive, loving messages.
However, it doesn’t mean that I still don’t get angry when I hear the vitriol spewing from the mouths of FEC’s (Fundamentalist Evangelical Christians). Their daggers, are piercing the hearts and minds of gay people everywhere. It has to stop! But will it? Probably not. The nature of fundamentalist anything is NOT to be open and loving. But rather to attack and destroy any belief system or moral code that is not consistent with its own. THAT I know. I was one of them for many years. I fought with such virulent hatred against a bitter enemy, the immoral, unlovable me.
So yes, it’s taken its toll over the years. And I will probably, on some level, have to deal with it the rest of my life. But I’m willing to do that because the pay off is more than worth it. I refuse to give in. I will continue to grow and reach to new heights, because I believe in my inherent goodness.
The question is what to do about all the FEC’s if we can’t get them to shut the FEC up. Well, one thing for sure is, I can’t confront them like so many wonderfully brave Gay, Lesbian and Straight friends of mine have done. I’m thankful for them, and I support their work. But it takes too much out of me to do that again. What I CAN do, however, is build up my gay family by offering support and creating helpful, healthy, loving, and safe venues to share our stories.
Consequently, this is the lemonade that has been produced by these very sour lemons: build on this blog by starting a social network or informational web site for Gay and Lesbian Professionals working in Clinical Research. I’m only in the beginning stages of developing the idea, but I’m moving forward.
Why clinical research? Well that’s what I do to earn a living. So why not start with my colleagues. Besides, I was moved by the story of a woman I worked with last week who just came out to her family. She has had to listen to all the above messages, ad nauseum over the past 2 weeks. It’s heartbreaking and infuriating.
So my idea is to create a virtual family of sorts that will bring us all together. Supporting and loving each other the way our biological families are sometimes either unable or unwilling to do.
Are FEC’s the enemy? I don’t know to be honest. I think the real enemy is my mind. That is the foe I want to conquer. Labeling someone an enemy doesn’t feel right. Labeling their words as enemies feels better. So I choose to fight their words and messages, but not by engaging them in any form of dialogue. I’ve heard and had enough. Instead, I will build fortresses of love and support that will protect and shield us all from their poison.
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