Just say NO to fear

I’m amazed at how much easier it’s becoming to do that these days. It’s like working out a new muscle, or working it in a different way. At first it’s painful, uncomfortable and you feel sore all the time. But eventually muscle memory sets in and the movement, or the work, seems effortless. There is hardly any discomfort at all. So much that you can barely remember what it felt like before you started working out.

Well, that seems to be perfectly analogous to the way I’ve chosen to live my life the past year and a half. Who knew how transformative losing my job and heading to India would be. And the transformation just keeps on going and going and going.

I must confess, oftentimes I feel like I’m playing out of my league. Constantly, it seems, embarking on new adventures that challenge my status quo. Accepting invitations to do things I’ve never done before. Trying to adapt to that lump in my throat or that tightness in my chest. Feeling self conscious about not being an expert in something, in anything really at this point. I’m swimming in a sea of uncertainty and I keep wanting to go back to the shallow end where it feels familiar and safe. But something keeps driving me to keeping playing in the deep end. To keep working those new muscles, and building my strength. To just keep saying yes to everything right now, and see just how expansive this brave new world can be.

Whew, OK take a deep breath and keep going. Eventually, I’m hoping, I will feel more relaxed and more accomplished in something. But then again, maybe my journey right now is to let go of needing to have that feeling. It has a way of keeping me humble that’s for sure. Not to mention motivated. Being new at anything requires much more effort and a lot more preparation.

The latest first for me was last week at Kirtan Camp. There were 60 of us in daily workshops with the Master, Jai Uttal, learning about the devotional yoga of leading sing and response chanting. I loved every minute of it. Mostly just getting to chant with Jai everyday. That in itself is heaven. But then actually leading a 10-minute session on my new harmonium with Jai in the audience was well…surreal. Yeah, that tightness was in my chest before I went on stage. But I realized once I started my favorite chant to Krishna, it was more a tightness of excitement rather than nerves. WOW, how amazing was that to realize!

I’ve been leading a few small kirtan groups over the past few months, but this took it to a new level. I think, well I know actually, that mantras are quite powerful. To sing them, to chant them, to repeat them over and over has a profound impact on the mind. It leaves an indelible imprint on the heart, and basically causes spiritual cardiomegaly (abnormally large heart size).

So, with this latest exercise routine of building the just say no to fear muscle, I do feel stronger and a bit more relaxed. Good thing, I just accepted an offer to lead meditation and kirtan at a workshop in Beverly Hills on Saturday.

Back to the Gym.

Desert Renewal

I just returned from a 5 day yoga, hiking, camping retreat in Joshua Tree and am still basking in the warmth of whatever it is that happened there. I think the truth that has been so clearly revealed to me over the past few months has been the phenomenal power and predictability of intention. Setting an intention, can perhaps sound mundane or cliché in yoga circles, but I’ve found that as I have adapted the intention of service, gratitude, and devotion, it has proven to be anything but mundane. On the contrary, it has proven to be quite extraordinary. It has affected everything I do, every plan I make, and everything I merely think about.

I’m starting to see my life unfold in a way that I’m finally having the courage to dream about. I’ve been so guilty of not allowing myself to really dream and imagine living the life that is possible. I think sometimes I even try to control my dreams. Making sure they’re feasible and not too big or uncomfortable. It’s crazy and so fear based, I know. But with each experience of practicing courage, ignoring fear, and fighting paralysis, I collect more data. Data that verifies intention, data that supports I’m not going to fall apart, or be made fun of, or suck, or any of those other millions of reasons that keep me safe and stuck. A friend recently shared a quote with me from Anais Nin- ““And the day came when the risk to remain in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to bloom.”

So I went to the desert to bloom. I went to this retreat not knowing anyone including the teacher. My intention was two fold. Meet other gay men who were on a spiritual journey, and hope to meet someone who could help me with my new harmonium and kirtan (leading sing and response chanting). Pretty basic intention, rather safe and comfortable. But much to my surprise, this was merely a doorway into transformation.

Yes, I did meet wonderful gay men who are on a spiritual journey. And yes, I also met the incomparable, inspiring Ryan Brewer (http://www.ryanbreweryoga.com/)to bring out the bollo (singing) in me. But deeper than that, there was an internal eruption, a heart opening like I’ve never experienced before. It’s so hard to explain in words, but it’s like everything in my life just made sense. I remember a moment in a Krishna Das kirtan awhile back when the thought came to mind and the feeling enveloped my heart—this is all I’ve ever wanted to do, chant the names of the Divine. I will hold that feeling of the 12 of us sitting under the rocks chanting OM KALI for a long long time. Mantra has a way of calming the mind and softening the heart like nothing else I’ve ever tried.

So here’s to creating new samskaras (imprints left on the subconscious mind by experience), creating new data, creating new life, and creating new forms of bliss. May we all experience pure happiness, freedom from suffering, and ultimate liberation.

OM SHANTI

Heart Openers and Opinions

“To learn to see more deeply, practice having no opinions for a time. Be willing to say, “I don’t know”. This “not knowing” allows space for true knowing, because the intellect is not the center of spiritual knowledge and wisdom; this is the higher function of the heart within the heart. “ Max Strom, from A Life Worth Breathing.

Last night I was watching the NCAA Men’s Basketball Semifinal game between Duke and West Virginia, and had a rather surprisingly profound heart opening moment. When it happened I was reminded of how many times I have robbed myself of experiences like this because of my opinions, my views, and my judgments of people and their past behavior.

Bob Huggins, the coach of West Virginia is not someone you would characterize as warm and fuzzy . He’s had some media run-ins, racist rants, DUI’s etc. So it’s easy to simply dismiss him as a big oaf. But then something extraordinary happened. One of his players went down with a torn ACL, and was writhing and screaming in pain. At first there was nothing anyone could do because he couldn’t be still long enough to be helped. Then after a few moments Huggins came over, knelt beside him, cradled his head in his hands, and began to console him. No one knew what he was saying. It didn’t really matter. It was just such a powerful moment to see that much love and compassion flowing from one person to another. It was the final 5 minutes of De Sean Butler’s college career and his team was about to lose. Huggins was doing everything in his power to take away all of Butler’s physical and emotional pain.

I couldn’t get the image out of my mind last night. Then I went to yoga this morning and had trouble getting up from Sivasana. My heart felt like it was going to explode. Afterwards, during breakfast, I started reading a Thich Nhat Hanh article on hidden Boddhisatvas. That's when I finally lost it and the tears begin to flow. So much love, so much peace.

Thank you Bob Huggins.

In the words of a very wise Buddhist Master, “appearances are deceptive and our opinions are unreliable. “

I'll be happy when...

I remember a Buddhist Nun repeating this over and over during a teaching entitled, “The Agony of Not Enough”. I recently listened to that teaching again and was fascinated with the fact that 4 years later, I’m still experiencing its truth. But instead of getting depressed, I’ve decided it’s better to laugh about it and joyfully embrace the absurdity of my mind.

I think back to where my mind was 4 years ago and yes, my life looked a bit different than it does today. I was living in a Meditation Center, doing extensive retreats, and traveling all over the world to Buddhist Festivals. I was pretty much fully absorbed in spiritual practice. GUARANTEED HAPPINESS, right. Well, not exactly. It was more like,” I’ll be happy when I’m teaching Mediation; I’ll be happy when I don’t struggle as much with my mind; I’ll be happy when I move into the Meditation Center, I’ll be happy when I move out, I’ll be happy when I’m working less, working more.” On and on and on…

Well, when I finally did work less by losing my job, I WAS happy …for a while. But then the same song and dance began. I’ll be happy when I’m in India, when I’m teaching yoga, when I’m living in Paris, when I’m speaking French better, when I’m back in my house, when I’m out of my house. All those things have happened by the way and damn it, after every occurrence, my mind holds up the dangling carrot of not enough—what I really meant was I’ll be happy when I’m teaching yoga like someone who has been teaching for 20 years, or when I speak French like someone who has been speaking it for 20 years. The examples are endless aren’t they?

The bottom line is the bottomless pit of craving. It doesn’t matter what life looks like on the exterior, interiorly there is that nagging thought of, OK I have it now, I’ve accomplished my goal, now what? Something more, something different.

Ah, the craziness of the mind. Rarely present, and mostly hanging out in the past or in the future. That is why happiness appears to be so elusive and inner peace unattainable. But as it is often proclaimed in mindfulness circles, half the battle is in the awareness. Observing the absurdity without judgment. Just observing…and perhaps laughing. It IS pretty funny when you actually say these things out loud. And voila, happy! You can’t laugh and not be happy.

So maybe the real key to happiness is simply not to take oneself so seriously. Since time will inevitably change the perception of everything, might as well enjoy it all now, today.

Discipline versus Commitment

So often I find myself struggling with the idea of self-discipline. It’s not something I would say that I have a lot of. Why IS that? I mean, I meditate regularly, have a consistent yoga practice, set goals, make necessary sacrifices to achieve them, etc. I know that I can come of with a list of reasons that would support the presence of self-discipline in my life. However, I think it’s just easier and more familiar for me to look at others who are more disciplined, more devoted, more successful, etc.,then decide that I am not a person who possesses self-discipline. Because others have more, I must have none.

Crazy, illogical thinking no doubt. But I know I’m not the only one who thinks this way. It’s just another piece of wood in that big club we use to beat ourselves up with.

A great deal of my inner work these days, has been to recognize when that old tape starts playing in my head, and then simply refuse to listen to it. Carry on as if it weren’t true at all. It’s annoying to have to work so hard at it, but I’m just getting sick and tired of that damn club.

Another tool, I recently discovered came from an article I read recently from Judith Hanson Lasater(http://www.judithlasater.com/)addressing the difference between discipline and commitment. Instead of explaining it, I wanted to simply include it here:

“There is a big difference between discipline and commitment. Discipline is something that is externally generated. It is a “should”. We have often internalized this “should” as the concept of discipline into our own inner voices; this is the voice we hear inside berating us when we don’t practice.

Commitment, on the other hand, is a choice we make of our own volition. The difference between discipline and commitment is conflict. When we are imposing discipline upon ourselves we are in conflict with ourselves. Arguing inside, “yes, no, yes, no”. But when we are committed, there is no conflict, no argument, no problem.

Comforting words for someone like me who is so driven, yet intensely self critical and judgmental.

Are Fundamentalist Evangelical Christians the Enemy?

This is the question I’ve been asking myself lately. Why? I think it’s mostly due to all the rhetoric and vitriol filling the air waves lately, as the Gay marriage debate heats up in the California Supreme Court.

I have to admit I was a bit reticent to write about this since it’s not something I usually spend too much time contemplating these days. Mostly, I’m just very content to be on my yoga mat or going on a meditation retreat somewhere. I don’t enjoy conflict or debate. I simply want us all to play well with others and be nice. I feel like I’ve done my duty to speak up, and fight for Gay Equality. It was at a different time in my life. But I did it. I proudly came out, marched on State and National capitols, fought for AIDS legislation, and waved my rainbow flag as much as possible.

However, for the past decade or so my life has taken a different turn. I saw how the anger and fighting were robbing me of my inner peace, and decided to pursue a quieter path. Since then, I’ve certainly been much more at peace. My spiritual practice and lifestyle have deepened my experience of mindfulness and awareness. As a result, I haven’t really felt inclined to actively re engage in this battle. To be honest, it just hasn’t entered much into my consciousness the past few years.

At least until now.

As I’ve been challenging myself more and more the past few years by embarking on new adventures, and doing things I’m not comfortable doing. I’ve become more acutely aware of this chronic nagging belief I’ve held about myself. Essentially, it has been torturing me my entire life. That self loathing, you’ll never be good enough, you are lazy and undisciplined, crippling mind. I don’t think there’s a day that goes by that I don’t battle with self hatred and unworthiness. It’s my demon and I abhor it. In spite of the seemingly lack of evidence, I manage to, well …torture, (seems to be the most appropriate word), myself on a daily basis with these notions.

So I asked myself where is all this crap coming from. I think there is no question that being gay has contributed significantly to this long held twisted belief. No surprise there. Many gay people struggle with this their entire life. I know non-gay people do as well. But I’m not one of them, and I can only vouch for myself. When I realize that I’ve invested almost ½ century in self-loathing, I say, ENOUGH!

Now, what does this have to do with my original question? Well, everything actually. All those messages of unworthiness I got from as early as I can remember about going to hell, the unpardonable sin, “it’s OK to be gay, just don’t act on it,” “it’s your thorn in the flesh, we all have sin.” Blah blah blah. All of them, piercing daggers to the core of my being. Daggers that I still feel now. I have to pull them out every day. Every time I get ready to teach yoga, every time I meditate, every time I feel sexual, every time I breathe air. It’s pervasive, it’s always there.

That’s the bad news. The good news is, I’ve learned to move through it and tune my ear to more positive, loving messages.

However, it doesn’t mean that I still don’t get angry when I hear the vitriol spewing from the mouths of FEC’s (Fundamentalist Evangelical Christians). Their daggers, are piercing the hearts and minds of gay people everywhere. It has to stop! But will it? Probably not. The nature of fundamentalist anything is NOT to be open and loving. But rather to attack and destroy any belief system or moral code that is not consistent with its own. THAT I know. I was one of them for many years. I fought with such virulent hatred against a bitter enemy, the immoral, unlovable me.

So yes, it’s taken its toll over the years. And I will probably, on some level, have to deal with it the rest of my life. But I’m willing to do that because the pay off is more than worth it. I refuse to give in. I will continue to grow and reach to new heights, because I believe in my inherent goodness.

The question is what to do about all the FEC’s if we can’t get them to shut the FEC up. Well, one thing for sure is, I can’t confront them like so many wonderfully brave Gay, Lesbian and Straight friends of mine have done. I’m thankful for them, and I support their work. But it takes too much out of me to do that again. What I CAN do, however, is build up my gay family by offering support and creating helpful, healthy, loving, and safe venues to share our stories.

Consequently, this is the lemonade that has been produced by these very sour lemons: build on this blog by starting a social network or informational web site for Gay and Lesbian Professionals working in Clinical Research. I’m only in the beginning stages of developing the idea, but I’m moving forward.

Why clinical research? Well that’s what I do to earn a living. So why not start with my colleagues. Besides, I was moved by the story of a woman I worked with last week who just came out to her family. She has had to listen to all the above messages, ad nauseum over the past 2 weeks. It’s heartbreaking and infuriating.

So my idea is to create a virtual family of sorts that will bring us all together. Supporting and loving each other the way our biological families are sometimes either unable or unwilling to do.

Are FEC’s the enemy? I don’t know to be honest. I think the real enemy is my mind. That is the foe I want to conquer. Labeling someone an enemy doesn’t feel right. Labeling their words as enemies feels better. So I choose to fight their words and messages, but not by engaging them in any form of dialogue. I’ve heard and had enough. Instead, I will build fortresses of love and support that will protect and shield us all from their poison.

Finding my groove thing

I can’t believe it’s December, and 2009 is coming to an end. So many twists and turns. Mostly ups, a few downs, but an incredibly adventurous richly blessed, full life. (See previous blog entries). However, with so many new and exciting encounters, sometimes the mundane came seem a bit, well, mundane. Like working and other activities of daily living.

I guess I’ve been searching for some sort of routine since I’ve been back from India, but it’s proven to be elusive, until now. It seems I’ve managed to actually find one of sorts. I’ve moved into the lovely home of my dear friends in Glendale. And it has proven to be just the place I’ve needed. For quite some time I think. I had kind of forgotten how fun it was to share such things like dinner, chores, enlightening conversations, movies, and laughter. Living alone can be wonderful, but isolating at times. It’s nice to find the middle way of sorts. Balance. It’s nice to be here.

I’m back to working long 12 hour days in the world of Clinical Research and surprisingly loving it. I’m enjoying my new perspective on work as a business owner. Amazing how that shift has occurred. I’m so happy to working after a year long respite. I think I’m just happy to have a little income again. Gotta make some money to pay for these $22 LA yoga classes. I never imagined the pursuit of enlightenment would be so costly. ;) That’s for another blog entry.

So here’s the mundane. Work, 7AM-7PM 3 days a week, Fridays off to teach Yoga, Sanskrit class on Thursday nights, Yoga Sutra Class on Sundays, Project Angel Food meal deliveries on Friday afternoons, daily family dinners, dog walking in the Glendale Hills, and lots of love on the home front. Not so bad for mundane. My yoga and meditation practice have been so grounding while I’ve been floating around all over the world in pursuit of all the joy I can possibly experience in this lifetime. So far so good.

This holiday season, my prayer is that everyone will experience happiness, be free from suffering, and experience a peaceful mind of equanimity. Or as we say in Sanskrit:

Sarve Bhavantu Sukinah Sarve Santu Niramayaah Sarve Bhadrani Pasyantu Ma Kaschid Dukha Bhag Bhavet. OM SHANTI SHANTI SHANTI.