What Kirtan means to me

Recently, my kirtan teacher and mentor asked the following questions:

Around kirtan:
1. What is most important to you?
2. What do you care about most?
3. What wants to come alive through you?
4. What are you committed to?
5. What is your deepest love?

These were my responses:
1. That I will be a vessel for the sacred to emerge.
2. That because of #1, people will be able to touch this sacred space within themselves.
3. My connection to that place that is beyond limitation.
4. To stepping up, to serve the greater good through mantra and music.
5. Sitting in inner stillness, in reverent devotion while singing my heart open to everyone who can hear it.

In addition, and after a bit more reflection on inner stillness, I realized that that is what I love most about kirtan. All day long my mind is churning out thoughts, making plans, regretting the past or trying to recreate it, looking forward to something, seeking, searching, wondering, wishing. Then there’s the emotional component: feelings of longing, craving, grasping, clinging, separateness, anxiety, worry, frustration, anger, fear, dread, and on and on it goes. Some days these feelings are intense, some days they are barely noticeable. But noticeable nonetheless.

However (thankfully there’s a however), when I sit down in front of the harmonium, the chatter and the above mentioned feelings all start to dissolve. Nothing matters to me in that moment but being able to sing these sacred sounds. And it’s from that place, that this stillness emerges. Stillness enveloped by Shri Ram Jai Ram. A soothing tonic begins to flow over me from the vibration of Gam Gam Ganapataye Namaha. My heart open to so much love. So much love that if feels like there aren’t enough receptors in the heart to contain it. Nothing matters but this. And in that moment, all I want to do with my life is sit and marinate in it.

An Unexpected Evolutionary Kirtan

Once again another dimension of this practice has opened up to me. Recently, I was in Connecticut on a retreat with the Evolutionary Life Transformation Program I’ve been involved with for the past year. I expected to be involved in a lot of meditation and small group discussion, and never entertained any thought of leading kirtan. In addition, I didn’t bring my harmonium or any percussion so it definitely wasn’t on my radar. At least not until I saw the talent show sign up sheet. Then I thought about the nature of this course-Evolutionary Spirituality, Evolving beyond ego-and decided it would be a great opportunity to push my edge a little. Why not lead some type of kirtan? After all I was with 75 other people who were taking this course for the same reasons I was. This would be the perfect venue to experiment.

So I went to the kitchen, grabbed a card board box for a makeshift drum, poured some dried beans into a few yoghurt containers for a little percussion, gave my friend with a guitar a few chords, and off we went. Straight to that ego slashing Shiva. Shiva Shiva Shiva Shambo. Within minutes the energy in the room just kind of exploded. I was so excited that I nearly annihilated that poor box between my knees. My voice was shaky and I could barely catch my breath. I’ve never been a part of such a powerful collective like that. Everyone opening their hearts, standing on their feet, singing, dancing, connecting. It was all so magical. So affirming to me of what this practice is, what it does, how it transcends, how it shifts our focus from the individual to the collective. From the small self to the Big Self. Connection, Connection, Connection. THAT is kirtan.

I will hold this experience dearly in my heart as I continue to dive into this sacred practice. I will try never to forget how it felt in that moment to let go of everything I thought I needed to serve. I will seek to embrace every opportunity for growth I am given. I will be happy being uncomfortable so that consciousness may evolve. And with humility and interest, I begin each day with a beginner’s mind.

What's so great about Kirtan?

For starters, I think most of us who are kirtan veterans would say: it makes us feel good, blissful, ecstatic. Certainly incentive enough to at least check it out, right? But exactly what is it about this practice that makes us feel so good?

Personally, I would agree, it does make me feel good. I feel blissful, ecstatic, and happy when I’m singing and chanting these sacred sounds, these ancient mantras. I remember a few years back during one of my first kirtans, singing, crying, thinking to myself, ‘this is all I’ve ever wanted to do’. Imagine, a Baptist boy from Mississippi connecting so deeply with Rama, Krishna, Shiva. Amazing!

But then that is what's so magical about kirtan, it actually transcends all or no religious teaching. People come together and unite their voices, honoring universal themes of connection. Connection to others, to ourselves, to goodness truth and beauty, to divinity.

So here are a few reasons why I think kirtan is so great.

1. It fuels my passion for singing.
2. It provides a space for connection (with all the above stated objects).
3. It gives me a break from obsessing over my problems.
4. It elicits a powerfully restorative relaxation response(slower heart beat, slower breath).
5. It humbles me to play with such talented musicians.
6. It calms my mind when I’m stuck in traffic(most of the time).
7. It nurtures my devotional nature.
8. It creates shifts in my consciousness.
9. It helps me to be present (It’s so much fun, why would I want to be anywhere else).
10. It makes we want to put my arms around everyone I know, and let them the feel the sacred embrace of divinity.
11. It renews my faith in humanity.
12. It clarifies why I’m here.
13. I start to let go of everything I think I need in this world to be happy.

So why not give it a go, if you’ve never tried it.

May we all be happy, may we all be free from suffering and all its causes

Lokah Samastah Sukhino Bhavantu

Give Hate a Holiday

I’m back in my hometown of Tupelo, MS preparing for a press conference I’m participating in tomorrow. A press conference organized by Joe Wilson, who recently made the documentary film Out In The Silence.
When I saw that Joe had organized an event entitled:

GIVE HATE A HOLIDAY
Take a Stand for Justice & Equality for Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender & All People
Tupelo, Mississippi
October 10, 2011

I knew I had to be a part of it. The event includes a protest of the American Family Association’s hate speech, as well as a town hall Q/A afterwards. Since most of my life, I’ve been lamenting my lack of awareness or involvement in the civil rights movement of Mississippi in the 60’s, I thought WOW, here’s a chance to step up. And who better to do it, than me. A native Tupeloian.

So here I am on the eve of probably one of the most important events I ever participated in, thrilled, eager, excited, nervous, but mostly clear. Clear in my intention, clear in what I need to say and do. Clear in knowing that this is the time to get off the mat and go into the world. Here is what I will say:


My name is Tim Jordan and I’m from Tupelo, MS. Although I’ve lived in California for the past 20 years, this is my home. In fact, this very building, a former Baptist Church, is where I served as youth pastor my senior year at Tupelo High School. I gave a sermon in 1979 on God’s love for everyone.

In spite of the fact that I was speaking of God’s love for everyone that day, ironically I didn’t believe that God could love me. I had no problem accepting and loving others, but I couldn’t accept or love myself. Because you see, at 18 years old, I knew I was gay. I also knew that I loved God. But what I couldn’t understand was why someone like me, who loved God so much, would be not be loved in return.

So I suffered in silence. Afraid to tell anyone about my feelings. Terrified of rejection from my friends, my family, all the people I loved and cared about so much. So I prayed and studied the Bible as much as I could. I went on youth missions, led Bible Study Groups, served as a missionary in West Africa, and did everything else I could to try and get God to love and accept me. I also thought that if I tried hard enough I could make these feelings, that I had known all my life, go away.

But the feelings only intensified, and my confusion and pain became almost unbearable at times. I never considered suicide, but I understand how people could. The very essence of my being seemed to be in direct conflict with the creator of the Universe. How could that be? I just couldn’t understand. So I did what I had to do. Reject God. Otherwise, I knew I wouldn’t survive. And suicide became a potential reality.


I eventually lost the majority of my friends from the church. They were simply unable to reconcile my being gay with their religious beliefs. That rejection was painful, but with the support of new friends, I was able to start reconciling my forgotten faith with my passionate love for God.

I am here today because I want to speak out for love. God’s love for everyone. Especially God’s love for gay youth. For gay youth who feel like I felt. I want them to know no one can take God’s love away from you. No one can rob you of your faith. Not even Christians who claim to know God. I don’t want any gay man or woman to have to suffer in silence like I did, because they feel that they are a mistake. Because they feel unlovable.

Today is such a sweet full circle for me. To be here in this space, to reclaim that sermon I gave 32 years ago. To reclaim it for myself and for every gay man and woman in Tupelo and throughout the world. The message that God dearly loves us all.

Why are you on a Spiritual Path?

Reflections on Evolutionary Enlightenment by Craig Hamilton

Is your motivation really deep enough? Is it simply to feel better, to gain inner peace, self fulfillment? How do you find the will or the motivation to live from a deeper place?

These are some of the compelling questions coming up from my Evolutionary Enlightenment course that has generated much contemplation. Craig goes on to explain that if our motivation is merely hedonic in nature, we will fall short when asked to live our lives from a more evolved perspective. A perspective beyond ego. It’s explained more thoroughly in what he calls the 4 spheres of Enlightened Motivation. The first sphere is realizing our interdependence. We are not an island. Our lives are not our own. We don’t have a private life. Everything we do affects the whole in visible and in invisible ways. Our actions send out ripples. How we show up in our life on a daily basis affects everyone we encounter. So to be a participant in evolving thought on this planet, do we really have the luxury to think that we are an independent entity?

I’ve been sitting with this for a few weeks now and have tried to simply develop awareness around my daily decisions. When I decide to do or not do something, ask myself why? Is this simply for my own benefit, or could I make a different choice and benefit someone else? When I’m about to criticize someone or something, to share my opinion, what do I hope to achieve by sharing these ideas? Will my words generate virtue in others, or will it contribute to endless faultfinding, anger, and negativity? Something we certainly could do with less of in our world. If my actions and intentions were sending out influential ripples on the minds of others, wouldn’t it behoove me to be more selective about my output?

So as I contemplate interdependence, I’m forced to view my relationship to this precious human life in a very different way. My life is not my own to do with as I please. Those are pretty powerful words to embrace, to embody, to live. But they are true, whether we choose to abide by them or not. Interconnectivity is both spiritual and scientific. The question is how much impact do I really want to have on my world today? Am I committed to being a positive force for change? If so, I will have to push the pause button on my mind many times during the day to ask myself the question: What is the most evolved response I can have to this situation? If my motivation for spiritual practice is simply to feel better, I probably won’t make the higher choice. Choices for anyone living life from this place, will often be harder, more uncomfortable, perhaps even painful or fearful. But if our intention is to live in service to the greater good, we will stretch, we will respond with conviction. To act from this place, even though every cell in our being is screaming RETREAT! go to safer ground, curl up on the sofa and watch TV, is to act from our deepest spiritual center. There is indeed no time left to take a break from having an impact.

What is the Highest Aspiration for your own life contribution?

What is your highest aspiration for your own life contribution? What do you most want to be able to give to the World, Life, Humanity, the Cosmos, or God?

Certainly a question that begs contemplation.

I recently began Craig Hamilton’s 9 week online course called “Integral Enlightenment: Awakening to an Evolutionary Relationship to Life. “ This was our opening discussion question. Virtually, of course. There are 1200 people from all over the world taking this course.

I’ve been thinking along these lines for quite some time, especially since returning from India. What exactly are my highest ideals? What kind of imprint do I want to leave in the world? How do I want to do it? Where do I want to do it?

I’ll admit I’ve been a bit restless at times, living in LA. In the back of mind, for many reasons, I’m thinking I should be working with Doctors Without Borders somewhere in Central Africa or India. I ask myself wouldn’t my life be more meaningful there, wouldn’t I be making more of a significant contribution? The West has everything it needs and more. I could serve the world better by being anywhere but LA. I’m not attached to it and I’m happy to leave anytime.

However, everything that unfolds for me throughout the course of every day, indicates otherwise. In addition, I’ve had enough spiritual teaching in my life to know better. It’s just been something that has been annoyingly persistent in the back of my mind. Or more honestly the forefront of my mind. Until now.

So if my highest ideals are service, giving, loving, healing, inspiring, then the only question , really, is…does my life reflect that today, here, now? Are my activities of daily living consistent, and in alignment with these ideals? Such a great question!

Of course there are days when it doesn’t feel that way, but in general I feel overwhelmingly blessed by getting to do the things in life that bring me the most joy. Here in LA. Seeing my yoga classes grow, seeing the healing power of mantra in the lives of people as I lead kirtan, coming in contact with great spiritual teachers who help me to unveil hidden inner wisdom and compassion, are the things that charge me, excite me, and propel to keep evolving. To keep giving, serving, loving, and inspiring.

May all of our lives be in alignment with our highest ideals. And as my dear teacher Max Strom often ends his yoga classes, “May we teach peace in the only way it can be taught, by example.”

Namaste

Turning 50

The past few weeks have been rather interesting as I’ve just allowed myself to explore what turning 50 means. It’s such a milestone, probably one of the biggest ones, and I’ve just wanted to spend some time mulling it over before putting my thoughts on paper.

The illusion of time has proven to be even more of an illusion to me now. I don’t know where it has gone. I’ve lost track of it, it seems to be speeding up, it used to be slower, there’s no more of it to kill, etc. What is it, this crazy thing, time? I was this person at a previous time, then I was that person, now I’m this person again. It just doesn’t make a lot of sense to me when I look at the passage of time from 1961-2011, my 50 years here on the planet so far. So many radical changes over the years. So many incarnations of Tim. Whew, exhausting to think about.

I feel stronger, healthier, and happier now than in any of the previous decades. Shouldn’t I be getting younger rather than older? Shouldn’t I have more life ahead than behind? Geez, I feel like I’m just getting started. And just like that, 50 years, poof. It ‘s such irony, maybe a cruel irony depending on your view of death, that just when you start to let your life ebb and flow more freely, you’re on the downward curve of your time.

Because of my Buddhist practice, I think and meditate on death frequently. It fuels my passion for the sacredness of precious human life. And yes, I know death is inevitable, natural, and necessary. But like everyone, I hope to put it off for as long as possible. That’s why I live life the way I do today, to improve the quality of each day, and to pile virtue onto my mental continuum for the next life.

But even with all this knowledge and awareness, I still find myself wanting to put on the brakes a bit and slow this aging process down. I’m happy to be 50. As is commonly stated, it beats the alternative. But that number, that finite number, 50. A not so subtle reminder that I don’t have too many more numbers to play with. Everyone has a number. And I must admit, up until this point, I haven’t given it too much thought. However, now, it’s boldly commanding my attention.

Here’s what it’s saying. There’s no more time for:

wondering what if, self doubt, lack of confidence, shame, fear of failing, fear of not being good enough, not forgiving, not living authentically, playing small, getting stuck, holding back, not believing in goodness, pushing love away, bottling passion.

Time is now. Life is today. 50 is a wonderful number, a gift that I embrace. It has helped me to affirm that: Divinity resides within, The world is my teacher, I am guided by higher power, and I am guided by inner wisdom.