My visit to Laramie

Laramie, Wyoming, a city that has been on my list to visit for many years A city that unfortunately for the last 15 years has had connotations for being infamous. Matthew Shepard, a young gay college student was brutally murdered there in the fall of 1998.  Tortured and murdered simply because he was gay.  It was an event that deeply impacted not just me, but the entire world.

We always want to ask why and how these things happen when they do, but it’s really not that hard to figure out when we look at our world today. So much fear, hatred, divisiveness, intolerance, xenophobia, homophobia, etc.

It’s painful when atrocities occur anywhere in the world, but I think we really get a visceral experience of suffering when they hit home. I have often thought, were if not for grace, I could easily have been Matthew Shepard. As gay men, we don’t even really have to do much to find ourselves in a life threatening situation. Sometimes just walking down the street next to our partner is enough to invite attack.  I never hold my partner Danny’s hand in public without being aware of that potential reality.

So as I sat on the commemorative bench at the University of Wyoming,  and as I visited the actual site of the murder, I was overcome with emotion.  Sadness for the loss of such a beautiful young man. Sadness for how he suffered unimaginable pain and humiliation from being beaten to death while tied to a fence. I put myself there on that fence with him, and tried to imagine what that must have been like.  

I thought about his killers.  How could they do this?   I wanted to hate them.  I wanted them to suffer the way they had caused Matthew to suffer. But then I remembered so vividly a time in my life when I wanted to carry out the same type of attack on myself.  I wanted to make all the gay stuff go away, in any way that I could.  Suddenly, I found that I could relate to these guys, at least to their hatred and fear.  I just went down a different road with it.  I was fortunate enough to have been surrounded by love from others when I couldn’t love myself.  Grace.

There was a lot of healing that took place that day as I sat there and tried to absorb all that had happened.  I’m so glad I got to connect with Matthew’s spirit.  To pay my respects, and to express my gratitude for his life and his contribution.  That brutally cold night in October 1998 was an unspeakable tragedy.   It’s etched into our collective consciousness. But there is comfort in it as well. Comfort in knowing how  awareness, compassion, and activism have sprung forth from it.

Can we create a world where tragedies like this can never happen again? We must. 

May we be deeply and unshakably committed to love, compassion, and kindness.

Kirtan: Full Circle

Recently I had the privilege of leading kirtan at the Gay Healers Circle here in LA. “GHC is a group of professional LGBT life coaches, psychologists, massage therapists, yoga instructors, medical professionals, ministers, energy workers and other healers dedicated to serving all communities.” No venue could have been more appropriate for me to share kirtan.

Ever since this practice has taken root within me I’ve had this longing to share it with my gay family.  Why? Mostly because of how kirtan has been such a force for healing, connection, and reclaiming my devotion.

As a young boy growing up in a very fundamentalist Mississippi, I had 2 very profound realizations:

1. I was deeply connected to spirit, deeply devoted to the Divine, the Sacred, or God, as I understood it at that time.

2. I was deeply gay.

These realizations were quite problematic for obvious reasons. Over the years, guilt, shame, and self hatred, took their toll by creating crater size wounds in my heart and spirit. How would this conflict ever be resolved? It seemed so impossible. So hopeless. I must admit, my approach to solving this dilemma was quite creative at times. It included everything from circuit parties to taking up residence in a Buddhist Mediation Center.

But it wasn’t until I discovered kirtan that my heart, head, and spirit all seemed to find each other again. Shri Ram Jai Ram, Om Namah Shivaya, Hare Krishna, opened up channels and broke down all the  constructed boundaries of my small, limited self.

Kirtan has helped me to realize that I am whole, I am complete, I am lacking nothing. And it is from here, from this sacred space, this holy ground of being, that I am able to sing, chant, and be a vessel for service to the greater good.

Kirtan and Connection

Do we need any more poignant reminders of the need to: awaken to our interdependence; realize our connection to others; deal with anger and frustration in a healthy way; refuse to make ourselves victims; stop blaming others for our unhappiness; avoid supporting others who are struggling because it’s uncomfortable?

My Evolutionary Spirituality teacher, Craig Hamilton, recently challenged us to look at ways in which we are adding momentum to a culture of disconnection. How are we shutting people out? How are our actions contributing to feelings of isolation and separateness. To us versus them mentality.

Do we truly believe that our actions, impact others, impact society, impact culture?

I do. And this is why I think kirtan is so important. It connects us to our selves, to our divinity, and to others. I see it happen in every kirtan I lead. I feel it in every cell of my being, as my heart opens through the power of each mantra’s vibration.

Imagine a world where everyone experienced the connection that we experience in kirtan. That oneness, that openness, that transcendence, that love, that bliss, that stillness, that sacredness.

In this world, something like what happened in Connecticut would never happen again.
HARI OM.

My Mississippi Kirtan Dream

I’ve been on a spiritual journey for as long as I can remember. There have been lots of ups, downs, highs, lows, questions, answers, no answers, knowing, not knowing. But through all these different periods of my life there has been one common thread: devotion. I’ve called it different names at different times, but the feeling is the same. The teachings of Christ, Buddha, Krishna, and many others all point to the same heart. The divine heart of devotion.

For the past year and half I’ve been study Integral Spirituality with Craig Hamilton. Integral, in that it is meant to transform every aspect of our humanity. “It embraces the wisdom of the great meditative traditions, but also reaches forward to unleash the profound spiritual potential inherent in our recently evolved capacities for self-awareness, introspection, self-authorship and relational intimacy. “

I love this path because it seems to be connecting 51 years of spiritual dots. And nothing was more indicative of spiritual integration than a recent dream I had.

I was back in my home town about to begin a kirtan in the auditorium of the elementary school I attended as a child. The place was packed with folks from the little country church I grew up in. I was on stage playing a few notes on my harmonium when all of a sudden this sweet older woman stood up in the back and begin to sing. Her voice was so distinct. So Southern, so Baptist, so rich and so devotional. Shri Krishna, Jai Jai Ram, she began to sing. Soon others joined in, and then a few more, until the entire auditorium was singing. Singing to Krishna. Baptists, singing to Krishna. Singing with conviction, with passion, and with a heart full of love. It was incredibly beautiful. So beautiful, that when I awoke from the dream I wrote it all down.

I can’t wait to share it at my next kirtan. Soulful, gospel, loving, devotion to Krishna, to our higher selves, to the Divine in all of us. Regardless of what it’s called.

What Kirtan means to me

Recently, my kirtan teacher and mentor asked the following questions:

Around kirtan:
1. What is most important to you?
2. What do you care about most?
3. What wants to come alive through you?
4. What are you committed to?
5. What is your deepest love?

These were my responses:
1. That I will be a vessel for the sacred to emerge.
2. That because of #1, people will be able to touch this sacred space within themselves.
3. My connection to that place that is beyond limitation.
4. To stepping up, to serve the greater good through mantra and music.
5. Sitting in inner stillness, in reverent devotion while singing my heart open to everyone who can hear it.

In addition, and after a bit more reflection on inner stillness, I realized that that is what I love most about kirtan. All day long my mind is churning out thoughts, making plans, regretting the past or trying to recreate it, looking forward to something, seeking, searching, wondering, wishing. Then there’s the emotional component: feelings of longing, craving, grasping, clinging, separateness, anxiety, worry, frustration, anger, fear, dread, and on and on it goes. Some days these feelings are intense, some days they are barely noticeable. But noticeable nonetheless.

However (thankfully there’s a however), when I sit down in front of the harmonium, the chatter and the above mentioned feelings all start to dissolve. Nothing matters to me in that moment but being able to sing these sacred sounds. And it’s from that place, that this stillness emerges. Stillness enveloped by Shri Ram Jai Ram. A soothing tonic begins to flow over me from the vibration of Gam Gam Ganapataye Namaha. My heart open to so much love. So much love that if feels like there aren’t enough receptors in the heart to contain it. Nothing matters but this. And in that moment, all I want to do with my life is sit and marinate in it.

An Unexpected Evolutionary Kirtan

Once again another dimension of this practice has opened up to me. Recently, I was in Connecticut on a retreat with the Evolutionary Life Transformation Program I’ve been involved with for the past year. I expected to be involved in a lot of meditation and small group discussion, and never entertained any thought of leading kirtan. In addition, I didn’t bring my harmonium or any percussion so it definitely wasn’t on my radar. At least not until I saw the talent show sign up sheet. Then I thought about the nature of this course-Evolutionary Spirituality, Evolving beyond ego-and decided it would be a great opportunity to push my edge a little. Why not lead some type of kirtan? After all I was with 75 other people who were taking this course for the same reasons I was. This would be the perfect venue to experiment.

So I went to the kitchen, grabbed a card board box for a makeshift drum, poured some dried beans into a few yoghurt containers for a little percussion, gave my friend with a guitar a few chords, and off we went. Straight to that ego slashing Shiva. Shiva Shiva Shiva Shambo. Within minutes the energy in the room just kind of exploded. I was so excited that I nearly annihilated that poor box between my knees. My voice was shaky and I could barely catch my breath. I’ve never been a part of such a powerful collective like that. Everyone opening their hearts, standing on their feet, singing, dancing, connecting. It was all so magical. So affirming to me of what this practice is, what it does, how it transcends, how it shifts our focus from the individual to the collective. From the small self to the Big Self. Connection, Connection, Connection. THAT is kirtan.

I will hold this experience dearly in my heart as I continue to dive into this sacred practice. I will try never to forget how it felt in that moment to let go of everything I thought I needed to serve. I will seek to embrace every opportunity for growth I am given. I will be happy being uncomfortable so that consciousness may evolve. And with humility and interest, I begin each day with a beginner’s mind.

What's so great about Kirtan?

For starters, I think most of us who are kirtan veterans would say: it makes us feel good, blissful, ecstatic. Certainly incentive enough to at least check it out, right? But exactly what is it about this practice that makes us feel so good?

Personally, I would agree, it does make me feel good. I feel blissful, ecstatic, and happy when I’m singing and chanting these sacred sounds, these ancient mantras. I remember a few years back during one of my first kirtans, singing, crying, thinking to myself, ‘this is all I’ve ever wanted to do’. Imagine, a Baptist boy from Mississippi connecting so deeply with Rama, Krishna, Shiva. Amazing!

But then that is what's so magical about kirtan, it actually transcends all or no religious teaching. People come together and unite their voices, honoring universal themes of connection. Connection to others, to ourselves, to goodness truth and beauty, to divinity.

So here are a few reasons why I think kirtan is so great.

1. It fuels my passion for singing.
2. It provides a space for connection (with all the above stated objects).
3. It gives me a break from obsessing over my problems.
4. It elicits a powerfully restorative relaxation response(slower heart beat, slower breath).
5. It humbles me to play with such talented musicians.
6. It calms my mind when I’m stuck in traffic(most of the time).
7. It nurtures my devotional nature.
8. It creates shifts in my consciousness.
9. It helps me to be present (It’s so much fun, why would I want to be anywhere else).
10. It makes we want to put my arms around everyone I know, and let them the feel the sacred embrace of divinity.
11. It renews my faith in humanity.
12. It clarifies why I’m here.
13. I start to let go of everything I think I need in this world to be happy.

So why not give it a go, if you’ve never tried it.

May we all be happy, may we all be free from suffering and all its causes

Lokah Samastah Sukhino Bhavantu

Give Hate a Holiday

I’m back in my hometown of Tupelo, MS preparing for a press conference I’m participating in tomorrow. A press conference organized by Joe Wilson, who recently made the documentary film Out In The Silence.
When I saw that Joe had organized an event entitled:

GIVE HATE A HOLIDAY
Take a Stand for Justice & Equality for Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender & All People
Tupelo, Mississippi
October 10, 2011

I knew I had to be a part of it. The event includes a protest of the American Family Association’s hate speech, as well as a town hall Q/A afterwards. Since most of my life, I’ve been lamenting my lack of awareness or involvement in the civil rights movement of Mississippi in the 60’s, I thought WOW, here’s a chance to step up. And who better to do it, than me. A native Tupeloian.

So here I am on the eve of probably one of the most important events I ever participated in, thrilled, eager, excited, nervous, but mostly clear. Clear in my intention, clear in what I need to say and do. Clear in knowing that this is the time to get off the mat and go into the world. Here is what I will say:


My name is Tim Jordan and I’m from Tupelo, MS. Although I’ve lived in California for the past 20 years, this is my home. In fact, this very building, a former Baptist Church, is where I served as youth pastor my senior year at Tupelo High School. I gave a sermon in 1979 on God’s love for everyone.

In spite of the fact that I was speaking of God’s love for everyone that day, ironically I didn’t believe that God could love me. I had no problem accepting and loving others, but I couldn’t accept or love myself. Because you see, at 18 years old, I knew I was gay. I also knew that I loved God. But what I couldn’t understand was why someone like me, who loved God so much, would be not be loved in return.

So I suffered in silence. Afraid to tell anyone about my feelings. Terrified of rejection from my friends, my family, all the people I loved and cared about so much. So I prayed and studied the Bible as much as I could. I went on youth missions, led Bible Study Groups, served as a missionary in West Africa, and did everything else I could to try and get God to love and accept me. I also thought that if I tried hard enough I could make these feelings, that I had known all my life, go away.

But the feelings only intensified, and my confusion and pain became almost unbearable at times. I never considered suicide, but I understand how people could. The very essence of my being seemed to be in direct conflict with the creator of the Universe. How could that be? I just couldn’t understand. So I did what I had to do. Reject God. Otherwise, I knew I wouldn’t survive. And suicide became a potential reality.


I eventually lost the majority of my friends from the church. They were simply unable to reconcile my being gay with their religious beliefs. That rejection was painful, but with the support of new friends, I was able to start reconciling my forgotten faith with my passionate love for God.

I am here today because I want to speak out for love. God’s love for everyone. Especially God’s love for gay youth. For gay youth who feel like I felt. I want them to know no one can take God’s love away from you. No one can rob you of your faith. Not even Christians who claim to know God. I don’t want any gay man or woman to have to suffer in silence like I did, because they feel that they are a mistake. Because they feel unlovable.

Today is such a sweet full circle for me. To be here in this space, to reclaim that sermon I gave 32 years ago. To reclaim it for myself and for every gay man and woman in Tupelo and throughout the world. The message that God dearly loves us all.

Why are you on a Spiritual Path?

Reflections on Evolutionary Enlightenment by Craig Hamilton

Is your motivation really deep enough? Is it simply to feel better, to gain inner peace, self fulfillment? How do you find the will or the motivation to live from a deeper place?

These are some of the compelling questions coming up from my Evolutionary Enlightenment course that has generated much contemplation. Craig goes on to explain that if our motivation is merely hedonic in nature, we will fall short when asked to live our lives from a more evolved perspective. A perspective beyond ego. It’s explained more thoroughly in what he calls the 4 spheres of Enlightened Motivation. The first sphere is realizing our interdependence. We are not an island. Our lives are not our own. We don’t have a private life. Everything we do affects the whole in visible and in invisible ways. Our actions send out ripples. How we show up in our life on a daily basis affects everyone we encounter. So to be a participant in evolving thought on this planet, do we really have the luxury to think that we are an independent entity?

I’ve been sitting with this for a few weeks now and have tried to simply develop awareness around my daily decisions. When I decide to do or not do something, ask myself why? Is this simply for my own benefit, or could I make a different choice and benefit someone else? When I’m about to criticize someone or something, to share my opinion, what do I hope to achieve by sharing these ideas? Will my words generate virtue in others, or will it contribute to endless faultfinding, anger, and negativity? Something we certainly could do with less of in our world. If my actions and intentions were sending out influential ripples on the minds of others, wouldn’t it behoove me to be more selective about my output?

So as I contemplate interdependence, I’m forced to view my relationship to this precious human life in a very different way. My life is not my own to do with as I please. Those are pretty powerful words to embrace, to embody, to live. But they are true, whether we choose to abide by them or not. Interconnectivity is both spiritual and scientific. The question is how much impact do I really want to have on my world today? Am I committed to being a positive force for change? If so, I will have to push the pause button on my mind many times during the day to ask myself the question: What is the most evolved response I can have to this situation? If my motivation for spiritual practice is simply to feel better, I probably won’t make the higher choice. Choices for anyone living life from this place, will often be harder, more uncomfortable, perhaps even painful or fearful. But if our intention is to live in service to the greater good, we will stretch, we will respond with conviction. To act from this place, even though every cell in our being is screaming RETREAT! go to safer ground, curl up on the sofa and watch TV, is to act from our deepest spiritual center. There is indeed no time left to take a break from having an impact.

What is the Highest Aspiration for your own life contribution?

What is your highest aspiration for your own life contribution? What do you most want to be able to give to the World, Life, Humanity, the Cosmos, or God?

Certainly a question that begs contemplation.

I recently began Craig Hamilton’s 9 week online course called “Integral Enlightenment: Awakening to an Evolutionary Relationship to Life. “ This was our opening discussion question. Virtually, of course. There are 1200 people from all over the world taking this course.

I’ve been thinking along these lines for quite some time, especially since returning from India. What exactly are my highest ideals? What kind of imprint do I want to leave in the world? How do I want to do it? Where do I want to do it?

I’ll admit I’ve been a bit restless at times, living in LA. In the back of mind, for many reasons, I’m thinking I should be working with Doctors Without Borders somewhere in Central Africa or India. I ask myself wouldn’t my life be more meaningful there, wouldn’t I be making more of a significant contribution? The West has everything it needs and more. I could serve the world better by being anywhere but LA. I’m not attached to it and I’m happy to leave anytime.

However, everything that unfolds for me throughout the course of every day, indicates otherwise. In addition, I’ve had enough spiritual teaching in my life to know better. It’s just been something that has been annoyingly persistent in the back of my mind. Or more honestly the forefront of my mind. Until now.

So if my highest ideals are service, giving, loving, healing, inspiring, then the only question , really, is…does my life reflect that today, here, now? Are my activities of daily living consistent, and in alignment with these ideals? Such a great question!

Of course there are days when it doesn’t feel that way, but in general I feel overwhelmingly blessed by getting to do the things in life that bring me the most joy. Here in LA. Seeing my yoga classes grow, seeing the healing power of mantra in the lives of people as I lead kirtan, coming in contact with great spiritual teachers who help me to unveil hidden inner wisdom and compassion, are the things that charge me, excite me, and propel to keep evolving. To keep giving, serving, loving, and inspiring.

May all of our lives be in alignment with our highest ideals. And as my dear teacher Max Strom often ends his yoga classes, “May we teach peace in the only way it can be taught, by example.”

Namaste

Turning 50

The past few weeks have been rather interesting as I’ve just allowed myself to explore what turning 50 means. It’s such a milestone, probably one of the biggest ones, and I’ve just wanted to spend some time mulling it over before putting my thoughts on paper.

The illusion of time has proven to be even more of an illusion to me now. I don’t know where it has gone. I’ve lost track of it, it seems to be speeding up, it used to be slower, there’s no more of it to kill, etc. What is it, this crazy thing, time? I was this person at a previous time, then I was that person, now I’m this person again. It just doesn’t make a lot of sense to me when I look at the passage of time from 1961-2011, my 50 years here on the planet so far. So many radical changes over the years. So many incarnations of Tim. Whew, exhausting to think about.

I feel stronger, healthier, and happier now than in any of the previous decades. Shouldn’t I be getting younger rather than older? Shouldn’t I have more life ahead than behind? Geez, I feel like I’m just getting started. And just like that, 50 years, poof. It ‘s such irony, maybe a cruel irony depending on your view of death, that just when you start to let your life ebb and flow more freely, you’re on the downward curve of your time.

Because of my Buddhist practice, I think and meditate on death frequently. It fuels my passion for the sacredness of precious human life. And yes, I know death is inevitable, natural, and necessary. But like everyone, I hope to put it off for as long as possible. That’s why I live life the way I do today, to improve the quality of each day, and to pile virtue onto my mental continuum for the next life.

But even with all this knowledge and awareness, I still find myself wanting to put on the brakes a bit and slow this aging process down. I’m happy to be 50. As is commonly stated, it beats the alternative. But that number, that finite number, 50. A not so subtle reminder that I don’t have too many more numbers to play with. Everyone has a number. And I must admit, up until this point, I haven’t given it too much thought. However, now, it’s boldly commanding my attention.

Here’s what it’s saying. There’s no more time for:

wondering what if, self doubt, lack of confidence, shame, fear of failing, fear of not being good enough, not forgiving, not living authentically, playing small, getting stuck, holding back, not believing in goodness, pushing love away, bottling passion.

Time is now. Life is today. 50 is a wonderful number, a gift that I embrace. It has helped me to affirm that: Divinity resides within, The world is my teacher, I am guided by higher power, and I am guided by inner wisdom.

Why I teach yoga, part 2.

The first time I answered this question it had more to do with my personal practice. This latest collection of reasons has more to do with others.

I asked the students in my Senior Class to describe what yoga means to them. I had given them textbook definitions of the meaning of yoga during class, but I wanted to hear what their personal definitions were.

Here is what they had to say:

Your yoga class has helped me to become more flexible. It's helped my balance, improved my posture, & increased my strength (by standing on one leg at a time, for example.) It's made me aware how breathing can be controlled to be stress relieving & calming. You remind us not to be judgmental or critical of others, or ourselves. You remind us to think positively, & you remind us that there are a lot of things to be thankful for.
Thank you for teaching the class!
Namaste.
Darice

Yoga, to me, is a "pleasant" form of meditation! Because of yoga I feel that I am gaining more awareness of my physical body and my daily surroundings, life, nature, etc. - all good for the soul. I also feel that my focus and my mind is gradually improving.
Thank you!
Eleonore and... Namaste

Thanks! Your class is great!
My definition of yoga is one that I've taught for 40 years in world religion classes to adolescents and adults and that is the root of the word yoga is the same as "religio" -- to bind or yoke. There are a number of types of yoga, each one reminding the practitioner to bind or yoke their intellect, body, emotion, or anything else to the one who has given us LIFE. The mission of my religious order comes from the Gospel of John:10:10 "That all may have life, life to the full."
Namaste
Gretchen

Yoga is very important to me and it is even more evident when I miss a class. The quiet time, the physical benefits, opportunities to spend time with my friends and of course a great teacher!!

Nancy


Yoga is an altogether too brief interlude of focusing on just me and how things are "working". Afterward, everything seems to be back where it belongs and the day is so comfortable. After yoga, when I get up from having sat for awhile, there is no need to "unfurl" myself. I can just get up and go!
Love it!!
MAJ

I feel so comfortable in knowing that no matter how sore I get --- that I can stretch it out. Yea!!!
Namaste!! L.H.

Yoga = Calmness and Serenity
Breathing = Well Being and good posture
Norma

Yoga means so much to me. It allows me to find my balance in every way possible, muscularly, breathing, physically between the inside of me and my surrounding, in relation to other people, mentally and emotionally and spiritually. Our class is a practice space, a your teaching and caring builds my skills and then I go out into the world a little changed, perhaps innoculated from experiences that can lead to inbalance (and I have a teen, so those experiences are a given).
Yoga for me is a part of my ongoing growth experience.
Thank you and I love the emails.
Namaste
Liz

Sthira Sukham Asanam
Namaste
Dennis

When I’m tempted to get angry, I remember yoga and I’m not so angry.
Ursula

Tim, thank you so much for a wonderful experience yesterday and the peace and calmness it brought. Your class is truly a blessing and is the only time that I "really" let go of my daily thoughts. There is something magical about your class that surprises me (in that my daily duty seems to be to save the world - LOL). Anyway, thank you for taking the time and putting in the effort to make our Saturday truly special.

The thing that is so inspiring to me is that the majority of these comments are from folks in their late 60’s/early 70’s who have never practiced yoga before. They come from all different backgrounds, and different religious persuasions. Some work, some are retired, some are Catholic Nuns, some never go to church, some have studied yoga philosophy, some, or most, didn’t know the meaning of Namaste. It’s all just a simple testament to how universally healing this practice is, no matter when one comes into it.

I’ve been teaching some of them for over a year now, and love seeing how the practice has brought so much joy into their lives. Our time together every week is very simple. We breathe a little, we move a little, we come together as a community, and we leave with a little less stress, and a lot more peace.

Namaste, to the Senior Citizens of the North Hollywood Community Center

What 2010 has meant to me

Once again I’m on a plane. Since I’ve flown over 75,000 miles this year it’s starting to feel like my office, or my meditation cushion, or my yoga mat. I’ve discovered it’s a great place to plan, to think, to reflect, to dream, to imagine, to hope, to let go, to rejoice, to cry. It’s all there at 36,000 feet.

This time I’m on my way to Kuaui to go on a 4 day hiking excursion and then get some R and R on the Big Island for a week. So my mind is spacious, and my heart is light. Especially when I reflect on the amazing year that 2010 has been. I love this time of year, the ending and the beginning all kind of happening at the same time. Just like the continuum that life in reality really is, I suppose. But it’s so important for me to acknowledge and embrace all that was and all that will be. Funny isn’t it, how we never really know how the year will unfold. We set intentions, make New Years resolution, and then bravely step forward into possibility. From a Buddhist perspective, there’s also that element of ripening karma to consider. But that’s a big unknown as well.

Looking back into 2010, I feel an overwhelming sense of gratitude, joy, and humility when I sit in stillness and absorb all that was and continues to be: my perfect health, my loving family and friends, the wonderful teachers who have guided me, the wonderful students who have inspired me, my generous friends Jared and Maite, who have provided me a home, my yoga practice, my meditation practice, my surprisingly successful business. So many gifts, so much richness. My own little Pure Land in LA, where the peaceful externals have matched the peaceful internals. I’m not sure it takes much a spiritual practitioner to accomplish that. But I’ll take it and simply, humbly, say Thank You.

Of course who knows what 2011 holds. My wish is that I will be able to embrace whatever unfolds with the same mind of gratitude, humility and joy. My yoga teacher starts her classes asking us to set an intention. “What do you want to bring in? What do you want to get rid of? And be as specific as possible. Plant that intention like you’re planting a seed.” Specifically, I would like to bring in more healing. Both to myself and to others. Once a nurse, always a nurse as they say. My practices of yoga, breathing, and meditation have opened that door beyond my wildest imagination this year. More in 2011 please. Specifically, I would like to get rid of judgment. Both of myself and others. It’s such a painfully useless mind, and it blocks the flow of love.

These are my wishes. I resolve to accomplish them as best as I can. But if I don’t, or if I don’t accomplish them in the way I imagined, my only wish is to surrender, to forgive, and accept. It’s so very OK to be human. I seem to forget that sometimes. So maybe a better goal this year is simply to embrace humanness.

Namaste

Why do you teach yoga?

I’m on the plane from Atlanta now, returning from a busy workweek in Florida. It’s been a great week, even though a bit exhausting at times. As I struggle to keep my eyes open from fatigue, I keep thinking about what my teacher recently challenged us with the last time she was in town. Why do you teach yoga? Know what that is, and plant it deep in your heart like you’re planting a seed.

It’s really important for me to remember that, especially when I’m tired, when I’m busy, when I’m anxious, feeling overwhelmed, etc. I stayed on the beach in Daytona this week and had 2 very special practices under the moonlight. Last night I didn’t think I could move but finally dragged myself down to the edge of the water, and let it heal my body and my mind. After a lot of OM’ing and other chanting, loudly into the crashing sound of the waves I might add, I was able to gradually move. The vibration of the continuous OM left me feeling tingly and teary. The deep breathing left me feeling open and warm. And then like magic, everything kicked in. I was so energized and happy. Clearly healed of my aches and pains, mentally and physically. At least in that moment. So there it is. That, is why I travel across the country, get back to LA at midnight, and get up to teach the next morning. That’s why I say yes to teaching level 2-3 flow classes when I feel like I’m way out of my league. (Thanks Ryan for pushing me). That’s why I practice when I feel sad or happy, lonely or connected.

The reason I practice and teach yoga can be summed up very simply in the following:
I have an unwavering faith in its indisputable healing power. My life validates it.

That practice last night was a nice grounding experience, as I left to meet my former partner for dinner. We hadn’t seen each other for more than 6 years. I needed to make sure I was OK before I saw him. I was. It was a sweet evening.

So much healing has occurred. It was nice to see it, to feel it. To enjoy the fruit of so much effort and commitment.

I woke up this morning and realized I had dreamt that I was flying.

OM SHANTI OM

IT GETS BETTER

As I sit on the front porch of the home I grew up in on this spectacularly beautiful Fall Sunday morning, I’m overwhelmed with a feeling of gratitude. So much stillness so much peace. I feel like I’m in an extended Sivasana. Nothing to do, but absorb. No plans, no goals, nowhere to be, nowhere to go. Just to sit and enjoy the sights and sounds of the morning.

Home. A place of refuge. A place to recharge, a place to plug in to stillness. A place to hear and feel my breath, to hear and feel the breath of nature. To touch peace. To feel the lifting of my life stuff, and imagine it dissolving into the fog floating above the motionless lake in front of the house. A moment of presence, a moment of now. A moment of perfection. Mmmmm.

Then, a Buddhist thought comes to mind. Offer this moment of perfection, Offer your mandala. Offer it to those who only dream of peaceful presence. To those whose “now” is a far cry from yours. I think about all those gay teens who will never know this, who didn’t give life enough time to get to this moment.

I know for me, there were many times as a teenager, sitting in this very spot where what appears to be a Pure Land for me now, only appeared like Hell at that time. Struggling with my newly emerging feelings toward men, that I didn’t understand and prayed would somehow go away. Feeling despondent and hopelessly trapped in this seemingly insurmountable conflict with my religious upbringing. How, why? All the self hatred, and confusion left little room for hope or peace. I don’t think I ever contemplated suicide, but I certainly felt like I was dying inside. I felt like a freak and I vowed to do everything in my power to be different and to feel differently. To fit in, to be loved. Fortunately I was able to fit in, externally anyway. But on the inside I was in agony.

The thought of someone telling me “it gets better” would have been amazing. It would have saved years of self loathing, years of searching for comfort, for relief, from the agonizing, unending inner conflict. Just someone to say, you’re perfect just the way you are. God didn’t make a mistake, you’re not a freak. It’s OK to feel what you feel, to love who you love. It’s all OK. Now let it go, move on, and live out your dreams.

I wished I would have heard that then. But better late than never, because I certainly hear it, and experience it now. It’s been an arduous and painful journey at times. But yes, IT GETS BETTER. I’ve taken on a variety of roles in the past 50 years. A preachers kid, a missionary, a party boy, an activist, a Buddhist, a yogi. All amazing roles, all so vitally important in weaving together the fabric that I see today sitting on this porch. I’m fortunate that I’ve had a loving family throughout this journey. They haven’t always, and probably never will, understand me. But they never kicked me out, and they never stopped loving me. For that, I am most grateful. Many of my gay brothers and sisters in the South are not so lucky.

So for them, and the countless others, we say, it gets better. It gets better because we love you. We believe in you, in your inherent goodness, in your perfection, in your fabulous gayness.

We’re out, we’re visible, we’re living our dreams. We’re here to help. We’re here to support.

We are your Role Models.

So hang in there because indeed, IT GETS BETTER.

Just say NO to fear

I’m amazed at how much easier it’s becoming to do that these days. It’s like working out a new muscle, or working it in a different way. At first it’s painful, uncomfortable and you feel sore all the time. But eventually muscle memory sets in and the movement, or the work, seems effortless. There is hardly any discomfort at all. So much that you can barely remember what it felt like before you started working out.

Well, that seems to be perfectly analogous to the way I’ve chosen to live my life the past year and a half. Who knew how transformative losing my job and heading to India would be. And the transformation just keeps on going and going and going.

I must confess, oftentimes I feel like I’m playing out of my league. Constantly, it seems, embarking on new adventures that challenge my status quo. Accepting invitations to do things I’ve never done before. Trying to adapt to that lump in my throat or that tightness in my chest. Feeling self conscious about not being an expert in something, in anything really at this point. I’m swimming in a sea of uncertainty and I keep wanting to go back to the shallow end where it feels familiar and safe. But something keeps driving me to keeping playing in the deep end. To keep working those new muscles, and building my strength. To just keep saying yes to everything right now, and see just how expansive this brave new world can be.

Whew, OK take a deep breath and keep going. Eventually, I’m hoping, I will feel more relaxed and more accomplished in something. But then again, maybe my journey right now is to let go of needing to have that feeling. It has a way of keeping me humble that’s for sure. Not to mention motivated. Being new at anything requires much more effort and a lot more preparation.

The latest first for me was last week at Kirtan Camp. There were 60 of us in daily workshops with the Master, Jai Uttal, learning about the devotional yoga of leading sing and response chanting. I loved every minute of it. Mostly just getting to chant with Jai everyday. That in itself is heaven. But then actually leading a 10-minute session on my new harmonium with Jai in the audience was well…surreal. Yeah, that tightness was in my chest before I went on stage. But I realized once I started my favorite chant to Krishna, it was more a tightness of excitement rather than nerves. WOW, how amazing was that to realize!

I’ve been leading a few small kirtan groups over the past few months, but this took it to a new level. I think, well I know actually, that mantras are quite powerful. To sing them, to chant them, to repeat them over and over has a profound impact on the mind. It leaves an indelible imprint on the heart, and basically causes spiritual cardiomegaly (abnormally large heart size).

So, with this latest exercise routine of building the just say no to fear muscle, I do feel stronger and a bit more relaxed. Good thing, I just accepted an offer to lead meditation and kirtan at a workshop in Beverly Hills on Saturday.

Back to the Gym.

Desert Renewal

I just returned from a 5 day yoga, hiking, camping retreat in Joshua Tree and am still basking in the warmth of whatever it is that happened there. I think the truth that has been so clearly revealed to me over the past few months has been the phenomenal power and predictability of intention. Setting an intention, can perhaps sound mundane or cliché in yoga circles, but I’ve found that as I have adapted the intention of service, gratitude, and devotion, it has proven to be anything but mundane. On the contrary, it has proven to be quite extraordinary. It has affected everything I do, every plan I make, and everything I merely think about.

I’m starting to see my life unfold in a way that I’m finally having the courage to dream about. I’ve been so guilty of not allowing myself to really dream and imagine living the life that is possible. I think sometimes I even try to control my dreams. Making sure they’re feasible and not too big or uncomfortable. It’s crazy and so fear based, I know. But with each experience of practicing courage, ignoring fear, and fighting paralysis, I collect more data. Data that verifies intention, data that supports I’m not going to fall apart, or be made fun of, or suck, or any of those other millions of reasons that keep me safe and stuck. A friend recently shared a quote with me from Anais Nin- ““And the day came when the risk to remain in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to bloom.”

So I went to the desert to bloom. I went to this retreat not knowing anyone including the teacher. My intention was two fold. Meet other gay men who were on a spiritual journey, and hope to meet someone who could help me with my new harmonium and kirtan (leading sing and response chanting). Pretty basic intention, rather safe and comfortable. But much to my surprise, this was merely a doorway into transformation.

Yes, I did meet wonderful gay men who are on a spiritual journey. And yes, I also met the incomparable, inspiring Ryan Brewer (http://www.ryanbreweryoga.com/)to bring out the bollo (singing) in me. But deeper than that, there was an internal eruption, a heart opening like I’ve never experienced before. It’s so hard to explain in words, but it’s like everything in my life just made sense. I remember a moment in a Krishna Das kirtan awhile back when the thought came to mind and the feeling enveloped my heart—this is all I’ve ever wanted to do, chant the names of the Divine. I will hold that feeling of the 12 of us sitting under the rocks chanting OM KALI for a long long time. Mantra has a way of calming the mind and softening the heart like nothing else I’ve ever tried.

So here’s to creating new samskaras (imprints left on the subconscious mind by experience), creating new data, creating new life, and creating new forms of bliss. May we all experience pure happiness, freedom from suffering, and ultimate liberation.

OM SHANTI

Heart Openers and Opinions

“To learn to see more deeply, practice having no opinions for a time. Be willing to say, “I don’t know”. This “not knowing” allows space for true knowing, because the intellect is not the center of spiritual knowledge and wisdom; this is the higher function of the heart within the heart. “ Max Strom, from A Life Worth Breathing.

Last night I was watching the NCAA Men’s Basketball Semifinal game between Duke and West Virginia, and had a rather surprisingly profound heart opening moment. When it happened I was reminded of how many times I have robbed myself of experiences like this because of my opinions, my views, and my judgments of people and their past behavior.

Bob Huggins, the coach of West Virginia is not someone you would characterize as warm and fuzzy . He’s had some media run-ins, racist rants, DUI’s etc. So it’s easy to simply dismiss him as a big oaf. But then something extraordinary happened. One of his players went down with a torn ACL, and was writhing and screaming in pain. At first there was nothing anyone could do because he couldn’t be still long enough to be helped. Then after a few moments Huggins came over, knelt beside him, cradled his head in his hands, and began to console him. No one knew what he was saying. It didn’t really matter. It was just such a powerful moment to see that much love and compassion flowing from one person to another. It was the final 5 minutes of De Sean Butler’s college career and his team was about to lose. Huggins was doing everything in his power to take away all of Butler’s physical and emotional pain.

I couldn’t get the image out of my mind last night. Then I went to yoga this morning and had trouble getting up from Sivasana. My heart felt like it was going to explode. Afterwards, during breakfast, I started reading a Thich Nhat Hanh article on hidden Boddhisatvas. That's when I finally lost it and the tears begin to flow. So much love, so much peace.

Thank you Bob Huggins.

In the words of a very wise Buddhist Master, “appearances are deceptive and our opinions are unreliable. “

I'll be happy when...

I remember a Buddhist Nun repeating this over and over during a teaching entitled, “The Agony of Not Enough”. I recently listened to that teaching again and was fascinated with the fact that 4 years later, I’m still experiencing its truth. But instead of getting depressed, I’ve decided it’s better to laugh about it and joyfully embrace the absurdity of my mind.

I think back to where my mind was 4 years ago and yes, my life looked a bit different than it does today. I was living in a Meditation Center, doing extensive retreats, and traveling all over the world to Buddhist Festivals. I was pretty much fully absorbed in spiritual practice. GUARANTEED HAPPINESS, right. Well, not exactly. It was more like,” I’ll be happy when I’m teaching Mediation; I’ll be happy when I don’t struggle as much with my mind; I’ll be happy when I move into the Meditation Center, I’ll be happy when I move out, I’ll be happy when I’m working less, working more.” On and on and on…

Well, when I finally did work less by losing my job, I WAS happy …for a while. But then the same song and dance began. I’ll be happy when I’m in India, when I’m teaching yoga, when I’m living in Paris, when I’m speaking French better, when I’m back in my house, when I’m out of my house. All those things have happened by the way and damn it, after every occurrence, my mind holds up the dangling carrot of not enough—what I really meant was I’ll be happy when I’m teaching yoga like someone who has been teaching for 20 years, or when I speak French like someone who has been speaking it for 20 years. The examples are endless aren’t they?

The bottom line is the bottomless pit of craving. It doesn’t matter what life looks like on the exterior, interiorly there is that nagging thought of, OK I have it now, I’ve accomplished my goal, now what? Something more, something different.

Ah, the craziness of the mind. Rarely present, and mostly hanging out in the past or in the future. That is why happiness appears to be so elusive and inner peace unattainable. But as it is often proclaimed in mindfulness circles, half the battle is in the awareness. Observing the absurdity without judgment. Just observing…and perhaps laughing. It IS pretty funny when you actually say these things out loud. And voila, happy! You can’t laugh and not be happy.

So maybe the real key to happiness is simply not to take oneself so seriously. Since time will inevitably change the perception of everything, might as well enjoy it all now, today.

Discipline versus Commitment

So often I find myself struggling with the idea of self-discipline. It’s not something I would say that I have a lot of. Why IS that? I mean, I meditate regularly, have a consistent yoga practice, set goals, make necessary sacrifices to achieve them, etc. I know that I can come of with a list of reasons that would support the presence of self-discipline in my life. However, I think it’s just easier and more familiar for me to look at others who are more disciplined, more devoted, more successful, etc.,then decide that I am not a person who possesses self-discipline. Because others have more, I must have none.

Crazy, illogical thinking no doubt. But I know I’m not the only one who thinks this way. It’s just another piece of wood in that big club we use to beat ourselves up with.

A great deal of my inner work these days, has been to recognize when that old tape starts playing in my head, and then simply refuse to listen to it. Carry on as if it weren’t true at all. It’s annoying to have to work so hard at it, but I’m just getting sick and tired of that damn club.

Another tool, I recently discovered came from an article I read recently from Judith Hanson Lasater(http://www.judithlasater.com/)addressing the difference between discipline and commitment. Instead of explaining it, I wanted to simply include it here:

“There is a big difference between discipline and commitment. Discipline is something that is externally generated. It is a “should”. We have often internalized this “should” as the concept of discipline into our own inner voices; this is the voice we hear inside berating us when we don’t practice.

Commitment, on the other hand, is a choice we make of our own volition. The difference between discipline and commitment is conflict. When we are imposing discipline upon ourselves we are in conflict with ourselves. Arguing inside, “yes, no, yes, no”. But when we are committed, there is no conflict, no argument, no problem.

Comforting words for someone like me who is so driven, yet intensely self critical and judgmental.