In Gratitude

This is the time of year when collectively we are reminded to give thanks. But for yogis and really anyone on a path of awareness, everyday is Thanksgiving. Not a day goes by that we are not aware of our blessings, freedoms, and incredibly good fortune. Expressing gratitude is something we’re able to do at anytime. Because most of us live in North America, Australia or Western Europe, there is really never a time when we can’t find something to be grateful for. And the added benefit…happy mind. It’s impossible not to be happy when feeling grateful. It automatically lifts the mind out of any funk.

Good thing, because my mind has been a bit funky lately. Once again, I’ve rooted myself up from the safety of the familiar and launched into the world of possibility, as I like to think of it (although it feels like a world of uncertainty and uneasiness). I’ve rented out my condo indefinitely and I spent the past few weeks staying with some wonderfully generous friends. Tomorrow I move in with different wonderfully generous friends, where I will stay put until the end of March. At least that’s the plan now. Who knows after March. I’m working full time in Anaheim until then, teaching Senior yoga, and volunteering with Project Angel Food. Hmm, I’m kind of happy. So I will just continue to remain open to all possibilities. Moving up north in the spring, staying here, or going somewhere else. I’ve decided it really doesn’t matter. The less attached I am to any of it, the happier I am.

I just finished reading Highest Duty, My Search for What Really Matters, by Captain Sully Sullenberger, the pilot who landed the plane in the Hudson earlier this year. It’s one of the most inspirational books I’ve ever read. An ordinary man (in his eyes), living such a richly meaningful life, and performing an extraordinary deed. One of his most inspiring stories was he and his wife’s unsuccessful attempt to summit Mt Whitney. He spoke of how humbling the mountain was. How it showed him the insignificance of the daily life stuff. Yet inspired him to live life "with passion and purpose, and by doing so reminds others of what is possible."

He closed that chapter with a Hopi Indian poem:

"There is a river flowing now so very fast,

It is so great and swift that there are those who will be afraid.

They will try to hold on to the shore.

They will feel they are torn apart and will suffer greatly

Know the river has its destination.

The elders say we must let go of the shore, push off into the middle of the river,

Keep our eyes open and our heads above water"

May we all have the courage to leave the shore and live our lives in the middle of the river.

Vipassana, the gift that keeps on giving

Anicha--etymology: from Pali, impermanence, law of change, what arises will pass

I was on my way home from North Carolina last week and while sitting in the airport felt an intense emotional sadness. As a tear was running down my cheek, I felt kind of strange. On the surface, I was feeling frustrated at unmet expectations of the new job, anxious due to current transitions, and lonely, well just lonely. But on a deeper level , I felt calm and assured. I knew in that moment that these emotions were all so very temporary. I was aware of their origin and their tentativeness. So it allowed me to feel the tear, feel the sadness, and let it be what it was. Sad.

Anicha, Anicha, Anicha.

Employment Eve

I’m coming up on my year anniversary of joblessness, and am filled with awe.  Awed at how wonderfully magical, inspiring, terrifying, and challenging it has been.  I think back to that weekend in March 2008 with Tony Robbins when I gave myself freedom to dream, freedom to imagine, freedom to set out on the adventure of a lifetime.

I remember vividly during the weekend we participated in something known as the Dicken’s Experience.  In short, it goes something like this:  imagine your life in 5, 10, 15 and 20 year increments. Imagine that at each of these milestones you are still holding on to the same fears and insecurities that limit you in the present moment. And that even after 20 years you are still resisting and settling for comfort. Settling for the illusion of the known, the safety of the familiar.  Now imagine all the people who will NOT have the opportunity to benefit from your kindness, your gifts, your love, your passion, your vision. Imagine all the people who will continue to struggle and suffer with pain and inner turmoil because they never had the opportunity to see how richly a life could be lived.   They never had the opportunity to meet YOU. You didn’t spend time with them helping them along their path because you were afraid of what people would say. Afraid that you would suck if you tried something new and looked silly. Afraid that you would fail. Afraid that you wouldn’t be loved. Imagine how all that would feel after 20 years.  Imagine how it would feel when you arrived at the end of your life. Imagine.

YEAH! Motivational, huh. It certainly got me out of the door and on my way.  That, and Merck giving me the boot. Thank you, Merck.

Not to say that I don’t still struggle with the aforementioned, because I do. To some degree, I’m confronted with those fears almost every day of my life. But as Vipassana Meditation has taught me. You don’t have to respond to it. Observe it, recognize what’s going on, and keep moving. Dance with the fear. Have to, since it doesn’t seem to be going anywhere. Might as well make the best of it.  If someone asks you to do something, just say yes, and figure out the “how to” later.  I’m trying it and it’s actually working.  I’m teaching yoga to Seniors now. And really loving it.

So once again, I’m on the eve of yet another transition. The world seems to be in constant motion and so am I.  Consequently stillness can sometimes appear elusive.

Spaces and gaps are not my favorite places.  But finding stillness in the motion most certainly is. 

Vipassana Report

It’s been a week now since I have returned from this wonderfully transformative retreat and am still trying to process all that happened. Like any intense spiritual experience on the mountaintop, it can be awkward returning to the valley, both literally and figuratively.  I’m trying to do what we did for 10 days, observe the sensations.

The Vipassana technique essentially involves just that. Scan through your body and observe the sensations as they arise without craving the feel good ones, and without avoiding the not so feel good ones.  Developing equanimity at the most subtle level of mind possible.  This, according to Vipassana, is the ticket to personal liberation.

I can’t begin to capture all that I experienced during this spiritual marathon.  I’m just so happy to have completed it without totally losing my mind. Starting at 430am and continuing until 9pm(with breaks of course) everyday was a daunting task for anyone, experienced meditator or not.  A couple of times during the sessions where we were instructed not to physically move for one hour, I thought--if I make it through without completely ripping off my clothes and running naked through the adjacent field, I will consider myself successful.  Challenging is putting in mildly. But that’s the nature of the mind isn’t it. Anywhere but here. That’s why I’m so distracted when I try to embrace stillness. My mind loves to dart away and be busy with planning the future, or craving the past.  Craving, avoiding, craving, avoiding…contributes to so much mental pain and suffering. 

So that’s what I did on my summer vacation--looked at the fluctuations of my mind. And yes, though it was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done, the rewards are immeasurable. Just developing better concentration is reason enough for celebration. All that constant chatter in my head really wears me down. Constant repetition of the same deluded thoughts.  Not hearing that for longer and longer periods of time brought so much peace. THAT’s what I want to incorporate more into my life.  I’ve actually decided it’s my life’s work, being present.  Because there is nothing but peace in the present moment.

That is my gift from Vipassana.  Accepting my life as it presents itself today. My happiness is now. Not when I achieve this, or when I accomplish that. It’s now, today. If not today, then never.

So today I celebrate all these and other wonderful gifts I have received during the past year.  I never dreamed I would take a year off and embark on this journey of a lifetime.  I’m overwhelmed with gratitude and humility.   

I return to the working world in 2 weeks. Dreams in motion continue.

 

Vipassana Meditation

“Vipassana is a way of self-transformation through self-observation.  It focuses on the deep interconnection between mind and body, which can be experienced directly by disciplined attention to the physical sensations that form the life of the body, and that continuously interconnect and condition the life of the mind.  It is this observation-based, self exploratory journey to the common root of mind and body that dissolves mental impurity, resulting in a balanced mind full of love and compassion.” www.dhamma.org

On the eve of embarking on yet another new experience, I find myself in a bit of a daze. Reading the above and trying to imagine what the next 10 days will be like, is both fascinating and terrifying. Observing my breath, my mind, for such an extended period of time.  Whew! I’m not totally sure I want to see what’s in there.  But I think back to those prisoners on death row in an Alabama prison who completed this retreat, and I am humbled to have this opportunity.

The timing could not be more perfect.  What a way to end this most magnificent, dream of a year. 

May we all be more loving, and compassionate. And may we live peace by example.

OM

Hold Everything!

I’ve certainly been here before. Make plans, get everything ready to go, move forward, and then something happens. Life.  Life happens. I’m kind of getting used to it by now I suppose. That’s why I don’t take myself too seriously these days.

I was all set to leave for Hawaii next month when I got a phone call from an Executive Recruiter offering me a potential job.  And not just a job, but the exact job I had been requesting. Something that paid a lot of money and only lasted for 3 or 4 months. Interestingly and coincidentally, or not so coincidentally, that’s exactly what I was offered. I officially accepted the job today and will start on Oct 29, finishing up on Feb 28. PERFECT!    Hawaii can wait until the spring. I need cash!

So I’m on my way. On my way to living the lifestyle that I have imagined would be the ideal one. Work as a consultant on short-term research projects, and make enough money to be able to take short or long periods of time off to travel, to teach, to explore, to take and give workshops, learn new skills, etc. There is so much I want to learn; so much I want to give.  It’s hard to believe it’s been a year since I’ve had a job. I never in a million years would have imagined that.  But it’s truly been the best year of my life. So many gifts, so many blessings. 

Looking back this time last year, I remember being terrified to quit my job and take this leap.  The unknown is pretty scary I admit. But it’s becoming less and less so. It’s only a matter of time before the unknown becomes the known, and by then it just seems almost mundane. 

All this has taught me to continue to exercise the courage muscle and to keep moving forward.  The rewards are listed throughout this blog.

“What if today we realized that all of our dark spots were illusory?”—tim jordan

Spaces and Gaps

Pema Chodron, in her book When Things Fall Apart talks about not causing harm, or refraining. She says mindfulness is the ground, refraining is the path. “Because of mindfulness, we see our desires and our aggression, our jealousy, our ignorance. We don’t act on them, we just see them.” Refraining she says, is “not grabbing for entertainment the minute we feel a slight edge of boredom coming on. It’s the practice of not immediately filling up space just because there’s a gap.”

Spaces and gaps. There seems to be an awful lot of those in my life lately. Mindfulness has helped me to look at them. Refraining has caused me to feel like screaming sometimes. My samskaras or old  habits are saying fill  the gap, fill the space. Do something like:  Get a job (easier said than done these days). Start contributing to your 401K again.  Settle down in one place.  Quit moving.  Not that any of those things are inherently bad, it’s just that something inside my gut says stay where you are. Keep going on this path. This path that keeps taking more twists and turns.  Damn, I would love to see where it’s all leading.  But I just don’t have a clue. At times I’m titillated by the uncertainty, and at times I’m in a total panic. And so I sit in this space, this gap, and wait.  Active waiting I like to call it. I’ve been throwing things out there, wherever “there” is, putting some energy into them, and waiting to see what comes back.

So far the following has come back:

I will be in Southern Washington September 23-Oct 4 for a Vipassana Meditation Retreat. I’ve wanted to do it for years and now seems to be the perfect time.  10 days, 10 hours a day of silence and mindfulness meditation.  Then starting October 15, I will be working at Kalani Retreat Center in Hawaii(www.kalani.com). Also something I’ve wanted to do for a number of years.  The timing, the inner gut thing, all seem to be in line.  At least for now. There’s a back door, of course. But for now this is the plan. Rent my place out again and continue on with this journey of dreams.

In the mean time, I’m continuing to load up on yoga workshops and classes, teaching as much as I know, working on developing a website for meditation and yoga, and trying not to fidget when I’m tempted to second guess the gut thing.