So often I find myself struggling with the idea of self-discipline. It’s not something I would say that I have a lot of. Why IS that? I mean, I meditate regularly, have a consistent yoga practice, set goals, make necessary sacrifices to achieve them, etc. I know that I can come of with a list of reasons that would support the presence of self-discipline in my life. However, I think it’s just easier and more familiar for me to look at others who are more disciplined, more devoted, more successful, etc.,then decide that I am not a person who possesses self-discipline. Because others have more, I must have none.
Crazy, illogical thinking no doubt. But I know I’m not the only one who thinks this way. It’s just another piece of wood in that big club we use to beat ourselves up with.
A great deal of my inner work these days, has been to recognize when that old tape starts playing in my head, and then simply refuse to listen to it. Carry on as if it weren’t true at all. It’s annoying to have to work so hard at it, but I’m just getting sick and tired of that damn club.
Another tool, I recently discovered came from an article I read recently from Judith Hanson Lasater(http://www.judithlasater.com/)addressing the difference between discipline and commitment. Instead of explaining it, I wanted to simply include it here:
“There is a big difference between discipline and commitment. Discipline is something that is externally generated. It is a “should”. We have often internalized this “should” as the concept of discipline into our own inner voices; this is the voice we hear inside berating us when we don’t practice.
Commitment, on the other hand, is a choice we make of our own volition. The difference between discipline and commitment is conflict. When we are imposing discipline upon ourselves we are in conflict with ourselves. Arguing inside, “yes, no, yes, no”. But when we are committed, there is no conflict, no argument, no problem.
Comforting words for someone like me who is so driven, yet intensely self critical and judgmental.
Saturday, February 20, 2010
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Are Fundamentalist Evangelical Christians the Enemy?
This is the question I’ve been asking myself lately. Why? I think it’s mostly due to all the rhetoric and vitriol filling the air waves lately, as the Gay marriage debate heats up in the California Supreme Court.
I have to admit I was a bit reticent to write about this since it’s not something I usually spend too much time contemplating these days. Mostly, I’m just very content to be on my yoga mat or going on a meditation retreat somewhere. I don’t enjoy conflict or debate. I simply want us all to play well with others and be nice. I feel like I’ve done my duty to speak up, and fight for Gay Equality. It was at a different time in my life. But I did it. I proudly came out, marched on State and National capitols, fought for AIDS legislation, and waved my rainbow flag as much as possible.
However, for the past decade or so my life has taken a different turn. I saw how the anger and fighting were robbing me of my inner peace, and decided to pursue a quieter path. Since then, I’ve certainly been much more at peace. My spiritual practice and lifestyle have deepened my experience of mindfulness and awareness. As a result, I haven’t really felt inclined to actively re engage in this battle. To be honest, it just hasn’t entered much into my consciousness the past few years.
At least until now.
As I’ve been challenging myself more and more the past few years by embarking on new adventures, and doing things I’m not comfortable doing. I’ve become more acutely aware of this chronic nagging belief I’ve held about myself. Essentially, it has been torturing me my entire life. That self loathing, you’ll never be good enough, you are lazy and undisciplined, crippling mind. I don’t think there’s a day that goes by that I don’t battle with self hatred and unworthiness. It’s my demon and I abhor it. In spite of the seemingly lack of evidence, I manage to, well …torture, (seems to be the most appropriate word), myself on a daily basis with these notions.
So I asked myself where is all this crap coming from. I think there is no question that being gay has contributed significantly to this long held twisted belief. No surprise there. Many gay people struggle with this their entire life. I know non-gay people do as well. But I’m not one of them, and I can only vouch for myself. When I realize that I’ve invested almost ½ century in self-loathing, I say, ENOUGH!
Now, what does this have to do with my original question? Well, everything actually. All those messages of unworthiness I got from as early as I can remember about going to hell, the unpardonable sin, “it’s OK to be gay, just don’t act on it,” “it’s your thorn in the flesh, we all have sin.” Blah blah blah. All of them, piercing daggers to the core of my being. Daggers that I still feel now. I have to pull them out every day. Every time I get ready to teach yoga, every time I meditate, every time I feel sexual, every time I breathe air. It’s pervasive, it’s always there.
That’s the bad news. The good news is, I’ve learned to move through it and tune my ear to more positive, loving messages.
However, it doesn’t mean that I still don’t get angry when I hear the vitriol spewing from the mouths of FEC’s (Fundamentalist Evangelical Christians). Their daggers, are piercing the hearts and minds of gay people everywhere. It has to stop! But will it? Probably not. The nature of fundamentalist anything is NOT to be open and loving. But rather to attack and destroy any belief system or moral code that is not consistent with its own. THAT I know. I was one of them for many years. I fought with such virulent hatred against a bitter enemy, the immoral, unlovable me.
So yes, it’s taken its toll over the years. And I will probably, on some level, have to deal with it the rest of my life. But I’m willing to do that because the pay off is more than worth it. I refuse to give in. I will continue to grow and reach to new heights, because I believe in my inherent goodness.
The question is what to do about all the FEC’s if we can’t get them to shut the FEC up. Well, one thing for sure is, I can’t confront them like so many wonderfully brave Gay, Lesbian and Straight friends of mine have done. I’m thankful for them, and I support their work. But it takes too much out of me to do that again. What I CAN do, however, is build up my gay family by offering support and creating helpful, healthy, loving, and safe venues to share our stories.
Consequently, this is the lemonade that has been produced by these very sour lemons: build on this blog by starting a social network or informational web site for Gay and Lesbian Professionals working in Clinical Research. I’m only in the beginning stages of developing the idea, but I’m moving forward.
Why clinical research? Well that’s what I do to earn a living. So why not start with my colleagues. Besides, I was moved by the story of a woman I worked with last week who just came out to her family. She has had to listen to all the above messages, ad nauseum over the past 2 weeks. It’s heartbreaking and infuriating.
So my idea is to create a virtual family of sorts that will bring us all together. Supporting and loving each other the way our biological families are sometimes either unable or unwilling to do.
Are FEC’s the enemy? I don’t know to be honest. I think the real enemy is my mind. That is the foe I want to conquer. Labeling someone an enemy doesn’t feel right. Labeling their words as enemies feels better. So I choose to fight their words and messages, but not by engaging them in any form of dialogue. I’ve heard and had enough. Instead, I will build fortresses of love and support that will protect and shield us all from their poison.
I have to admit I was a bit reticent to write about this since it’s not something I usually spend too much time contemplating these days. Mostly, I’m just very content to be on my yoga mat or going on a meditation retreat somewhere. I don’t enjoy conflict or debate. I simply want us all to play well with others and be nice. I feel like I’ve done my duty to speak up, and fight for Gay Equality. It was at a different time in my life. But I did it. I proudly came out, marched on State and National capitols, fought for AIDS legislation, and waved my rainbow flag as much as possible.
However, for the past decade or so my life has taken a different turn. I saw how the anger and fighting were robbing me of my inner peace, and decided to pursue a quieter path. Since then, I’ve certainly been much more at peace. My spiritual practice and lifestyle have deepened my experience of mindfulness and awareness. As a result, I haven’t really felt inclined to actively re engage in this battle. To be honest, it just hasn’t entered much into my consciousness the past few years.
At least until now.
As I’ve been challenging myself more and more the past few years by embarking on new adventures, and doing things I’m not comfortable doing. I’ve become more acutely aware of this chronic nagging belief I’ve held about myself. Essentially, it has been torturing me my entire life. That self loathing, you’ll never be good enough, you are lazy and undisciplined, crippling mind. I don’t think there’s a day that goes by that I don’t battle with self hatred and unworthiness. It’s my demon and I abhor it. In spite of the seemingly lack of evidence, I manage to, well …torture, (seems to be the most appropriate word), myself on a daily basis with these notions.
So I asked myself where is all this crap coming from. I think there is no question that being gay has contributed significantly to this long held twisted belief. No surprise there. Many gay people struggle with this their entire life. I know non-gay people do as well. But I’m not one of them, and I can only vouch for myself. When I realize that I’ve invested almost ½ century in self-loathing, I say, ENOUGH!
Now, what does this have to do with my original question? Well, everything actually. All those messages of unworthiness I got from as early as I can remember about going to hell, the unpardonable sin, “it’s OK to be gay, just don’t act on it,” “it’s your thorn in the flesh, we all have sin.” Blah blah blah. All of them, piercing daggers to the core of my being. Daggers that I still feel now. I have to pull them out every day. Every time I get ready to teach yoga, every time I meditate, every time I feel sexual, every time I breathe air. It’s pervasive, it’s always there.
That’s the bad news. The good news is, I’ve learned to move through it and tune my ear to more positive, loving messages.
However, it doesn’t mean that I still don’t get angry when I hear the vitriol spewing from the mouths of FEC’s (Fundamentalist Evangelical Christians). Their daggers, are piercing the hearts and minds of gay people everywhere. It has to stop! But will it? Probably not. The nature of fundamentalist anything is NOT to be open and loving. But rather to attack and destroy any belief system or moral code that is not consistent with its own. THAT I know. I was one of them for many years. I fought with such virulent hatred against a bitter enemy, the immoral, unlovable me.
So yes, it’s taken its toll over the years. And I will probably, on some level, have to deal with it the rest of my life. But I’m willing to do that because the pay off is more than worth it. I refuse to give in. I will continue to grow and reach to new heights, because I believe in my inherent goodness.
The question is what to do about all the FEC’s if we can’t get them to shut the FEC up. Well, one thing for sure is, I can’t confront them like so many wonderfully brave Gay, Lesbian and Straight friends of mine have done. I’m thankful for them, and I support their work. But it takes too much out of me to do that again. What I CAN do, however, is build up my gay family by offering support and creating helpful, healthy, loving, and safe venues to share our stories.
Consequently, this is the lemonade that has been produced by these very sour lemons: build on this blog by starting a social network or informational web site for Gay and Lesbian Professionals working in Clinical Research. I’m only in the beginning stages of developing the idea, but I’m moving forward.
Why clinical research? Well that’s what I do to earn a living. So why not start with my colleagues. Besides, I was moved by the story of a woman I worked with last week who just came out to her family. She has had to listen to all the above messages, ad nauseum over the past 2 weeks. It’s heartbreaking and infuriating.
So my idea is to create a virtual family of sorts that will bring us all together. Supporting and loving each other the way our biological families are sometimes either unable or unwilling to do.
Are FEC’s the enemy? I don’t know to be honest. I think the real enemy is my mind. That is the foe I want to conquer. Labeling someone an enemy doesn’t feel right. Labeling their words as enemies feels better. So I choose to fight their words and messages, but not by engaging them in any form of dialogue. I’ve heard and had enough. Instead, I will build fortresses of love and support that will protect and shield us all from their poison.
Friday, December 18, 2009
Finding my groove thing
I can’t believe it’s December, and 2009 is coming to an end. So many twists and turns. Mostly ups, a few downs, but an incredibly adventurous richly blessed, full life. (See previous blog entries). However, with so many new and exciting encounters, sometimes the mundane came seem a bit, well, mundane. Like working and other activities of daily living.
I guess I’ve been searching for some sort of routine since I’ve been back from India, but it’s proven to be elusive, until now. It seems I’ve managed to actually find one of sorts. I’ve moved into the lovely home of my dear friends in Glendale. And it has proven to be just the place I’ve needed. For quite some time I think. I had kind of forgotten how fun it was to share such things like dinner, chores, enlightening conversations, movies, and laughter. Living alone can be wonderful, but isolating at times. It’s nice to find the middle way of sorts. Balance. It’s nice to be here.
I’m back to working long 12 hour days in the world of Clinical Research and surprisingly loving it. I’m enjoying my new perspective on work as a business owner. Amazing how that shift has occurred. I’m so happy to working after a year long respite. I think I’m just happy to have a little income again. Gotta make some money to pay for these $22 LA yoga classes. I never imagined the pursuit of enlightenment would be so costly. ;) That’s for another blog entry.
So here’s the mundane. Work, 7AM-7PM 3 days a week, Fridays off to teach Yoga, Sanskrit class on Thursday nights, Yoga Sutra Class on Sundays, Project Angel Food meal deliveries on Friday afternoons, daily family dinners, dog walking in the Glendale Hills, and lots of love on the home front. Not so bad for mundane. My yoga and meditation practice have been so grounding while I’ve been floating around all over the world in pursuit of all the joy I can possibly experience in this lifetime. So far so good.
This holiday season, my prayer is that everyone will experience happiness, be free from suffering, and experience a peaceful mind of equanimity. Or as we say in Sanskrit:
Sarve Bhavantu Sukinah Sarve Santu Niramayaah Sarve Bhadrani Pasyantu Ma Kaschid Dukha Bhag Bhavet. OM SHANTI SHANTI SHANTI.
I guess I’ve been searching for some sort of routine since I’ve been back from India, but it’s proven to be elusive, until now. It seems I’ve managed to actually find one of sorts. I’ve moved into the lovely home of my dear friends in Glendale. And it has proven to be just the place I’ve needed. For quite some time I think. I had kind of forgotten how fun it was to share such things like dinner, chores, enlightening conversations, movies, and laughter. Living alone can be wonderful, but isolating at times. It’s nice to find the middle way of sorts. Balance. It’s nice to be here.
I’m back to working long 12 hour days in the world of Clinical Research and surprisingly loving it. I’m enjoying my new perspective on work as a business owner. Amazing how that shift has occurred. I’m so happy to working after a year long respite. I think I’m just happy to have a little income again. Gotta make some money to pay for these $22 LA yoga classes. I never imagined the pursuit of enlightenment would be so costly. ;) That’s for another blog entry.
So here’s the mundane. Work, 7AM-7PM 3 days a week, Fridays off to teach Yoga, Sanskrit class on Thursday nights, Yoga Sutra Class on Sundays, Project Angel Food meal deliveries on Friday afternoons, daily family dinners, dog walking in the Glendale Hills, and lots of love on the home front. Not so bad for mundane. My yoga and meditation practice have been so grounding while I’ve been floating around all over the world in pursuit of all the joy I can possibly experience in this lifetime. So far so good.
This holiday season, my prayer is that everyone will experience happiness, be free from suffering, and experience a peaceful mind of equanimity. Or as we say in Sanskrit:
Sarve Bhavantu Sukinah Sarve Santu Niramayaah Sarve Bhadrani Pasyantu Ma Kaschid Dukha Bhag Bhavet. OM SHANTI SHANTI SHANTI.
Friday, November 27, 2009
In Gratitude
This is the time of year when collectively we are reminded to give thanks. But for yogis and really anyone on a path of awareness, everyday is Thanksgiving. Not a day goes by that we are not aware of our blessings, freedoms, and incredibly good fortune. Expressing gratitude is something we’re able to do at anytime. Because most of us live in North America, Australia or Western Europe, there is really never a time when we can’t find something to be grateful for. And the added benefit…happy mind. It’s impossible not to be happy when feeling grateful. It automatically lifts the mind out of any funk.
Good thing, because my mind has been a bit funky lately. Once again, I’ve rooted myself up from the safety of the familiar and launched into the world of possibility, as I like to think of it (although it feels like a world of uncertainty and uneasiness). I’ve rented out my condo indefinitely and I spent the past few weeks staying with some wonderfully generous friends. Tomorrow I move in with different wonderfully generous friends, where I will stay put until the end of March. At least that’s the plan now. Who knows after March. I’m working full time in Anaheim until then, teaching Senior yoga, and volunteering with Project Angel Food. Hmm, I’m kind of happy. So I will just continue to remain open to all possibilities. Moving up north in the spring, staying here, or going somewhere else. I’ve decided it really doesn’t matter. The less attached I am to any of it, the happier I am.
I just finished reading Highest Duty, My Search for What Really Matters, by Captain Sully Sullenberger, the pilot who landed the plane in the Hudson earlier this year. It’s one of the most inspirational books I’ve ever read. An ordinary man (in his eyes), living such a richly meaningful life, and performing an extraordinary deed. One of his most inspiring stories was he and his wife’s unsuccessful attempt to summit Mt Whitney. He spoke of how humbling the mountain was. How it showed him the insignificance of the daily life stuff. Yet inspired him to live life "with passion and purpose, and by doing so reminds others of what is possible."
He closed that chapter with a Hopi Indian poem:
"There is a river flowing now so very fast,
It is so great and swift that there are those who will be afraid.
They will try to hold on to the shore.
They will feel they are torn apart and will suffer greatly
Know the river has its destination.
The elders say we must let go of the shore, push off into the middle of the river,
Keep our eyes open and our heads above water"
May we all have the courage to leave the shore and live our lives in the middle of the river.
Saturday, November 7, 2009
Vipassana, the gift that keeps on giving
Anicha--etymology: from Pali, impermanence, law of change, what arises will pass
I was on my way home from North Carolina last week and while sitting in the airport felt an intense emotional sadness. As a tear was running down my cheek, I felt kind of strange. On the surface, I was feeling frustrated at unmet expectations of the new job, anxious due to current transitions, and lonely, well just lonely. But on a deeper level , I felt calm and assured. I knew in that moment that these emotions were all so very temporary. I was aware of their origin and their tentativeness. So it allowed me to feel the tear, feel the sadness, and let it be what it was. Sad.
Anicha, Anicha, Anicha.
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Employment Eve
I’m coming up on my year anniversary of joblessness, and am filled with awe. Awed at how wonderfully magical, inspiring, terrifying, and challenging it has been. I think back to that weekend in March 2008 with Tony Robbins when I gave myself freedom to dream, freedom to imagine, freedom to set out on the adventure of a lifetime.
I remember vividly during the weekend we participated in something known as the Dicken’s Experience. In short, it goes something like this: imagine your life in 5, 10, 15 and 20 year increments. Imagine that at each of these milestones you are still holding on to the same fears and insecurities that limit you in the present moment. And that even after 20 years you are still resisting and settling for comfort. Settling for the illusion of the known, the safety of the familiar. Now imagine all the people who will NOT have the opportunity to benefit from your kindness, your gifts, your love, your passion, your vision. Imagine all the people who will continue to struggle and suffer with pain and inner turmoil because they never had the opportunity to see how richly a life could be lived. They never had the opportunity to meet YOU. You didn’t spend time with them helping them along their path because you were afraid of what people would say. Afraid that you would suck if you tried something new and looked silly. Afraid that you would fail. Afraid that you wouldn’t be loved. Imagine how all that would feel after 20 years. Imagine how it would feel when you arrived at the end of your life. Imagine.
YEAH! Motivational, huh. It certainly got me out of the door and on my way. That, and Merck giving me the boot. Thank you, Merck.
Not to say that I don’t still struggle with the aforementioned, because I do. To some degree, I’m confronted with those fears almost every day of my life. But as Vipassana Meditation has taught me. You don’t have to respond to it. Observe it, recognize what’s going on, and keep moving. Dance with the fear. Have to, since it doesn’t seem to be going anywhere. Might as well make the best of it. If someone asks you to do something, just say yes, and figure out the “how to” later. I’m trying it and it’s actually working. I’m teaching yoga to Seniors now. And really loving it.
So once again, I’m on the eve of yet another transition. The world seems to be in constant motion and so am I. Consequently stillness can sometimes appear elusive.
Spaces and gaps are not my favorite places. But finding stillness in the motion most certainly is.
Monday, October 12, 2009
Vipassana Report
It’s been a week now since I have returned from this wonderfully transformative retreat and am still trying to process all that happened. Like any intense spiritual experience on the mountaintop, it can be awkward returning to the valley, both literally and figuratively. I’m trying to do what we did for 10 days, observe the sensations.
The Vipassana technique essentially involves just that. Scan through your body and observe the sensations as they arise without craving the feel good ones, and without avoiding the not so feel good ones. Developing equanimity at the most subtle level of mind possible. This, according to Vipassana, is the ticket to personal liberation.
I can’t begin to capture all that I experienced during this spiritual marathon. I’m just so happy to have completed it without totally losing my mind. Starting at 430am and continuing until 9pm(with breaks of course) everyday was a daunting task for anyone, experienced meditator or not. A couple of times during the sessions where we were instructed not to physically move for one hour, I thought--if I make it through without completely ripping off my clothes and running naked through the adjacent field, I will consider myself successful. Challenging is putting in mildly. But that’s the nature of the mind isn’t it. Anywhere but here. That’s why I’m so distracted when I try to embrace stillness. My mind loves to dart away and be busy with planning the future, or craving the past. Craving, avoiding, craving, avoiding…contributes to so much mental pain and suffering.
So that’s what I did on my summer vacation--looked at the fluctuations of my mind. And yes, though it was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done, the rewards are immeasurable. Just developing better concentration is reason enough for celebration. All that constant chatter in my head really wears me down. Constant repetition of the same deluded thoughts. Not hearing that for longer and longer periods of time brought so much peace. THAT’s what I want to incorporate more into my life. I’ve actually decided it’s my life’s work, being present. Because there is nothing but peace in the present moment.
That is my gift from Vipassana. Accepting my life as it presents itself today. My happiness is now. Not when I achieve this, or when I accomplish that. It’s now, today. If not today, then never.
So today I celebrate all these and other wonderful gifts I have received during the past year. I never dreamed I would take a year off and embark on this journey of a lifetime. I’m overwhelmed with gratitude and humility.
I return to the working world in 2 weeks. Dreams in motion continue.
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