Employment Eve

I’m coming up on my year anniversary of joblessness, and am filled with awe.  Awed at how wonderfully magical, inspiring, terrifying, and challenging it has been.  I think back to that weekend in March 2008 with Tony Robbins when I gave myself freedom to dream, freedom to imagine, freedom to set out on the adventure of a lifetime.

I remember vividly during the weekend we participated in something known as the Dicken’s Experience.  In short, it goes something like this:  imagine your life in 5, 10, 15 and 20 year increments. Imagine that at each of these milestones you are still holding on to the same fears and insecurities that limit you in the present moment. And that even after 20 years you are still resisting and settling for comfort. Settling for the illusion of the known, the safety of the familiar.  Now imagine all the people who will NOT have the opportunity to benefit from your kindness, your gifts, your love, your passion, your vision. Imagine all the people who will continue to struggle and suffer with pain and inner turmoil because they never had the opportunity to see how richly a life could be lived.   They never had the opportunity to meet YOU. You didn’t spend time with them helping them along their path because you were afraid of what people would say. Afraid that you would suck if you tried something new and looked silly. Afraid that you would fail. Afraid that you wouldn’t be loved. Imagine how all that would feel after 20 years.  Imagine how it would feel when you arrived at the end of your life. Imagine.

YEAH! Motivational, huh. It certainly got me out of the door and on my way.  That, and Merck giving me the boot. Thank you, Merck.

Not to say that I don’t still struggle with the aforementioned, because I do. To some degree, I’m confronted with those fears almost every day of my life. But as Vipassana Meditation has taught me. You don’t have to respond to it. Observe it, recognize what’s going on, and keep moving. Dance with the fear. Have to, since it doesn’t seem to be going anywhere. Might as well make the best of it.  If someone asks you to do something, just say yes, and figure out the “how to” later.  I’m trying it and it’s actually working.  I’m teaching yoga to Seniors now. And really loving it.

So once again, I’m on the eve of yet another transition. The world seems to be in constant motion and so am I.  Consequently stillness can sometimes appear elusive.

Spaces and gaps are not my favorite places.  But finding stillness in the motion most certainly is. 

Vipassana Report

It’s been a week now since I have returned from this wonderfully transformative retreat and am still trying to process all that happened. Like any intense spiritual experience on the mountaintop, it can be awkward returning to the valley, both literally and figuratively.  I’m trying to do what we did for 10 days, observe the sensations.

The Vipassana technique essentially involves just that. Scan through your body and observe the sensations as they arise without craving the feel good ones, and without avoiding the not so feel good ones.  Developing equanimity at the most subtle level of mind possible.  This, according to Vipassana, is the ticket to personal liberation.

I can’t begin to capture all that I experienced during this spiritual marathon.  I’m just so happy to have completed it without totally losing my mind. Starting at 430am and continuing until 9pm(with breaks of course) everyday was a daunting task for anyone, experienced meditator or not.  A couple of times during the sessions where we were instructed not to physically move for one hour, I thought--if I make it through without completely ripping off my clothes and running naked through the adjacent field, I will consider myself successful.  Challenging is putting in mildly. But that’s the nature of the mind isn’t it. Anywhere but here. That’s why I’m so distracted when I try to embrace stillness. My mind loves to dart away and be busy with planning the future, or craving the past.  Craving, avoiding, craving, avoiding…contributes to so much mental pain and suffering. 

So that’s what I did on my summer vacation--looked at the fluctuations of my mind. And yes, though it was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done, the rewards are immeasurable. Just developing better concentration is reason enough for celebration. All that constant chatter in my head really wears me down. Constant repetition of the same deluded thoughts.  Not hearing that for longer and longer periods of time brought so much peace. THAT’s what I want to incorporate more into my life.  I’ve actually decided it’s my life’s work, being present.  Because there is nothing but peace in the present moment.

That is my gift from Vipassana.  Accepting my life as it presents itself today. My happiness is now. Not when I achieve this, or when I accomplish that. It’s now, today. If not today, then never.

So today I celebrate all these and other wonderful gifts I have received during the past year.  I never dreamed I would take a year off and embark on this journey of a lifetime.  I’m overwhelmed with gratitude and humility.   

I return to the working world in 2 weeks. Dreams in motion continue.

 

Vipassana Meditation

“Vipassana is a way of self-transformation through self-observation.  It focuses on the deep interconnection between mind and body, which can be experienced directly by disciplined attention to the physical sensations that form the life of the body, and that continuously interconnect and condition the life of the mind.  It is this observation-based, self exploratory journey to the common root of mind and body that dissolves mental impurity, resulting in a balanced mind full of love and compassion.” www.dhamma.org

On the eve of embarking on yet another new experience, I find myself in a bit of a daze. Reading the above and trying to imagine what the next 10 days will be like, is both fascinating and terrifying. Observing my breath, my mind, for such an extended period of time.  Whew! I’m not totally sure I want to see what’s in there.  But I think back to those prisoners on death row in an Alabama prison who completed this retreat, and I am humbled to have this opportunity.

The timing could not be more perfect.  What a way to end this most magnificent, dream of a year. 

May we all be more loving, and compassionate. And may we live peace by example.

OM

Hold Everything!

I’ve certainly been here before. Make plans, get everything ready to go, move forward, and then something happens. Life.  Life happens. I’m kind of getting used to it by now I suppose. That’s why I don’t take myself too seriously these days.

I was all set to leave for Hawaii next month when I got a phone call from an Executive Recruiter offering me a potential job.  And not just a job, but the exact job I had been requesting. Something that paid a lot of money and only lasted for 3 or 4 months. Interestingly and coincidentally, or not so coincidentally, that’s exactly what I was offered. I officially accepted the job today and will start on Oct 29, finishing up on Feb 28. PERFECT!    Hawaii can wait until the spring. I need cash!

So I’m on my way. On my way to living the lifestyle that I have imagined would be the ideal one. Work as a consultant on short-term research projects, and make enough money to be able to take short or long periods of time off to travel, to teach, to explore, to take and give workshops, learn new skills, etc. There is so much I want to learn; so much I want to give.  It’s hard to believe it’s been a year since I’ve had a job. I never in a million years would have imagined that.  But it’s truly been the best year of my life. So many gifts, so many blessings. 

Looking back this time last year, I remember being terrified to quit my job and take this leap.  The unknown is pretty scary I admit. But it’s becoming less and less so. It’s only a matter of time before the unknown becomes the known, and by then it just seems almost mundane. 

All this has taught me to continue to exercise the courage muscle and to keep moving forward.  The rewards are listed throughout this blog.

“What if today we realized that all of our dark spots were illusory?”—tim jordan

Spaces and Gaps

Pema Chodron, in her book When Things Fall Apart talks about not causing harm, or refraining. She says mindfulness is the ground, refraining is the path. “Because of mindfulness, we see our desires and our aggression, our jealousy, our ignorance. We don’t act on them, we just see them.” Refraining she says, is “not grabbing for entertainment the minute we feel a slight edge of boredom coming on. It’s the practice of not immediately filling up space just because there’s a gap.”

Spaces and gaps. There seems to be an awful lot of those in my life lately. Mindfulness has helped me to look at them. Refraining has caused me to feel like screaming sometimes. My samskaras or old  habits are saying fill  the gap, fill the space. Do something like:  Get a job (easier said than done these days). Start contributing to your 401K again.  Settle down in one place.  Quit moving.  Not that any of those things are inherently bad, it’s just that something inside my gut says stay where you are. Keep going on this path. This path that keeps taking more twists and turns.  Damn, I would love to see where it’s all leading.  But I just don’t have a clue. At times I’m titillated by the uncertainty, and at times I’m in a total panic. And so I sit in this space, this gap, and wait.  Active waiting I like to call it. I’ve been throwing things out there, wherever “there” is, putting some energy into them, and waiting to see what comes back.

So far the following has come back:

I will be in Southern Washington September 23-Oct 4 for a Vipassana Meditation Retreat. I’ve wanted to do it for years and now seems to be the perfect time.  10 days, 10 hours a day of silence and mindfulness meditation.  Then starting October 15, I will be working at Kalani Retreat Center in Hawaii(www.kalani.com). Also something I’ve wanted to do for a number of years.  The timing, the inner gut thing, all seem to be in line.  At least for now. There’s a back door, of course. But for now this is the plan. Rent my place out again and continue on with this journey of dreams.

In the mean time, I’m continuing to load up on yoga workshops and classes, teaching as much as I know, working on developing a website for meditation and yoga, and trying not to fidget when I’m tempted to second guess the gut thing.  

 

Time

Having spent the past 2 weeks driving through Northern California and the Oregon Coast, I have realized that the gift I have been given is time.  So often we don’t do things in life due to the lack of it.  We are bound to jobs or families that make indulgence in this wonderful gift impossible.  In addition, having a little money left over from India is enabling me to continue living out my dreams.  Traveling to new places and having extended visits with old friends. Nothing could be richer. It has added such sweetness to this incredible year.

I was invited by a dear friend to visit Portland. “You must move here” I was told. So I decided if that was the case, I should at least visit for awhile and play with the idea. I set out 2 weeks ago and drove through the amazing California redwoods, and the spectacular Oregon coast.  It was wonderfully therapeutic for me as I was able to spend so much time alone driving through the spectacular scenery.  I hardly even listened to music. I was so captivated by the magnificence of what I was seeing.  The trees, the beach, the mountains all so majestic. They command reverence. I think that’s why I didn’t want to listen to anything that would distract me. I just wanted to be present and enjoy my present…time. 

Adjustments

“Being patient with yourself will help you more in your soul’s journey than frustration at your perceived lack of progress. Doing the best you can in your quest for spiritual growth is vastly more important than striving for perfection.” www.dailyom.com

A friend of mine reminded me that I had sent this to her awhile back.  How nice to get your own advice while navigating the bumpy seas of change and adjustment.

So how is it to be back in LA? Well, it’s odd to say the very least. I find myself saying, just pretend that you’re still in India and carry on with your meditation, yoga, teaching, chanting, reading, volunteer work, and long lunches with friends. It actually takes some time to convince myself that it’s OK to be here. I’m feeling the energy of western life, the frantic pace, the entertainment saturation factor, the depressing economy. All those things I’ve missed out on for the past few months. So I have to keep checking in from time to time and remind myself that I am the one who has changed, not the world around me, and certainly not the surreal world of Southern California.

But in general, it is great to be back. Back in the comfort of my home, seeing friends again, and enjoying some of those things I desperately missed. Sushi and salads are 2 of the first things that come to mind.  But more importantly, quality time with family and friends.  

Traveling enables one to start to see the world through a different lens. This is something I am so grateful for. I find myself waking up each morning with an overwhelming feeling of gratitude.  Not only for my temperpedic mattress, but especially for all the gifts, freedoms, and endowments I have in this precious human life.

At this point I’m not sure if I will stay in LA or not. I’m open to whatever and wherever. In the mean time, I’ve started my own corporation, Timothy D Jordan, Inc. which hopefully will allow me to make a little money doing what I did before in Research. I’ve begun teaching a few yoga privates, and have begun developing an outline for teaching meditation. I hope to have a website up and running soon and see what happens from there.

In the mean time, patiently enjoying the process…mostly.