Farewell, India

Really, do I have to leave?

I feel so many things as I write this on my final night in this amazing country.  A lot of sadness in saying goodbye, yet so much joy in thinking about all the wonderful experiences I’ve had, and all the new friendships I’ve made.  Even in the past 3 days as I’m getting ready to go, I’ve met people who’ve inspired me and  gently nudged their way into my heart.  With the itinerary I’ve had over the past 5 months you’d think I would be used to this by now. But alas, no.  It seems that my routine all over India has been the following:  Get to a new place, feel uncomfortable, not really like it, want to leave…exhale…decide I can deal with it, start to like it, meet amazing people, fall in love with it,  develop lasting friendships,  and feel sad about leaving. 

There’s a Ruth Draper  monologue reference that comes to mind, that most of you want get and it would be too lengthy to explain here.  But  in short, I feel like the children she once took to a party.  They were crying at being forced to leave.  And in Ms. Draper’s hysterical, exasperated delivery, she states: “Well, you didn’t want to come, you didn’t want to stay, and now you don’t want to go.”  That about sums up my experience in many of the places I’ve visited here in India.  One would reason then, that it’s simply UNreasonable to listen to my feelings/mind, right. Unfortunately, I’m still listening, but at least I’m not taking them quite so seriously.

I’ve spent the past 5 days back at  Sivananda where I began this journey, reacquainting myself with the yoga I practiced when I arrived here.  It’s been so nice to complete the circle and end up where I started. I didn’t fully understand what happened that first month here in Kerala,  nor how I felt about it really.  But after Varkala, Goa, Varanasi, Bodh Gaya, Delhi, Rishikesh, Dharamsala, Bangalore, Mysore, Madurai, and finally back to Kerala, it’s much clearer.  All those questions, wondering, worrying, seem like nothing more than a distant memory.   It just goes to show me, once again that the answers don’t always accompany the questions. In fact they rarely do. But in time, with patient acceptance, a smile and a sense of humor, they come. Or they don’t, but their presence begins to matter less and less. That is what I’m taking away from Mother India. That and so very much more.   For years I’ve heard people talk about her gifts and her grip. Never could I have imagined their magnitude.

In closing, I want to thank all of you so much for the many many encouraging comments and emails that you sent during the past 7 months of blogging. Your words have been like  sweet nectar, and I’ve cherished them all.  I even saved them in a folder to take out when I get a little discouraged.   So thank you thank you thank you. You have no idea how much more special friendships are 10, 000 miles away.  Most likely I will continue to blog as it has been such a therapeutic experience for me.  However, I will not send out any more email notifications. So feel free to keep checking the site if you ‘d like. I’m really looking forward to reshaping my life when I return to LA. Who knows, I may be back in India sooner that I think.

OM SHANTI, 

Tim

 

 

Time to Go

Well, it’s about that time. Time to do what I’ve tried 3 times already to do. Leave India.  I guess it helps that my visa is expiring because otherwise I think I would be 2^nd guessing my 4^th attempt.  This country has done to me what it seems to do to everyone—firmly embed itself deep in the hearts and minds of all who cross its borders for a life changing journey.

I had such a wonderful surprise today as one of my former colleagues at Merck drove over from Bangalore to spend the day with me.   Her visit came at such an opportune time.  It was so thrilling to hear of her impressions of India and to be able to relate mine to her.  I know now that I’m ready to leave.  For now at least. Talking to Miriam helped me to see the importance of giving continual life to this journey by sharing it with others.

So when I return to LA June 6^th, I hit the ground running. I’ve agreed to teach a Sivananda yoga workshop at the end of June in my hometown of Tupelo, Mississippi.  Nothing could make me happier than to have my first “out of ashram” teaching experience in the place where I grew up. 

When I spoke to the owner of the studio a few weeks ago I suggested a class. She suggested a weekend workshop.  Why not, I thought.  Actually, I feel like I could teach an entire course with all that I’ve learned in the past 5 months.  So I’m ready, I’m really ready to go home. Not because I want to leave this magnificent country and all its richness.  And not because I’m homesick.  But because I know that I’m ready to teach. Finally ready to formally give to others what so many have given to me.  I’ve realized how incredibly fortunate I am to have received so many teachings and guidance over the past many years, that it would be irresponsible and selfish of me not to share it.   The image of the Michelin Man comes to mind when I think about receiving years of instruction and teachings without giving back.  I know that I could continue to inflate myself with more and more classes for the rest of my life, but I don’t want to spontaneously combust by holding all this knowledge inside.  There just comes a time when you have to give others the opportunity of benefiting from your experiences.  So for me, that time is now.

This bit of clarity really helps as I make my travel plans and say my good byes.  It’s going to be brutal leaving the kids at the orphanage tomorrow.  Anand, Krishna, Ulas, Vikshita, and especially Sundar, the 11 year old with Cerebral Palsy, such a beautiful gift he has been to me. This experience, along with many others, has been such an unexpected delight. I really thought I knew how this whole Indian thing was going to go when I first arrived here in December.  I would complete my yoga teacher training in February, tour India for 2 weeks, go back to LA, get a job, and maybe teach yoga somewhere, some time in the future. Oh, that makes me laugh.  How small of me.  How limiting. I’m so grateful that I have met  many people along the way who challenged and inspired me to think and dream bigger. What is it that you want with your life?  What would mean the most to you? And what if you could do anything that you wanted to do? Now all these wonderfully stimulating questions are starting not to seem so scary.  That actually excite me.  Mostly because now I know how to answer them.

 

Mysore, month 2

That seems hard to imagine. Being in one place for almost 2 months. But what a difference it has made to be settled, to have a routine, to feel part of the community. So much that as I see my time here coming to a close, I’m starting to feel a bit attached.  A lot attached actually. And not quite sure I want to return to the States. However, since I don’t have a choice really(my visa expires in a few weeks),  I know I have to start making re entry plans. But not just yet.

My 2^nd month here in Mysore has been a bit different and I’ve shifted my focus a bit. I really pushed myself in the yoga practice for 4 weeks and almost got a bit carried away.  Ashtanga is quite a rigorous practice, and I’ve seen that it can  bring out that old  familiar competitive, ego based nature.  It can be quite addictive. All the sweating, the focus,  the group energy,  the mind/body changes, etc.  But,  as yoga teaches, it’s about balance.  I just wanted to keep going and going, but my back had other ideas.  The soreness after 4 weeks forced me to take a few days off.  And how fortuitous those few days turned out to be.

There are 4 types of yoga taught in the scriptures that are often overlooked in the west: Raja yoga, which involves traditional yoga postures, Bhakti Yoga, which is more devotional in nature(singing, chanting), Jnana yoga involves philosophy, and Karma yoga, which is selfless service.  I figured this break was an opportunity to build on these other aspects of yoga. 

So I began volunteering at an orphanage about 5 minutes from my apartment, and taking chanting lessons from Indian music teacher. What a difference this has made in my experience here. Firstly, the kids are absolutely amazing. They range in age from 2-16 and all of them have been left by their parents in a field, on the side of the street,  or on a doorstep somewhere.   The stories are incredible. And when you see their faces, it’s impossible to understand how it could happen.   As soon as I drive up on my motor scooter(more on that later), they start screaming and running to greet me at the gate.  Suddenly, my back pain or sore wrists don’t seem to matter anymore.  My yoga becomes the kids.   I try to teach them a little bit of English as we play,  and surprisingly they pick it up pretty quickly.  But my favorite thing is saying Namaste to them. The 2 and 3 year olds place their hands at their hearts, smile,  and say Namaste back. We do this over and over again.  I just melt.

Secondly, I thought I was taking Harmonium lessons from this  wonderfully sweet Indian music teacher, but it turns out I’m taking voice lessons.  I told her I want to lead pujas( chanting) and I need to learn to play the Harmonium.  She had other ideas. So she’s been teaching me how to lead singing and be confident in my voice. When I got over the fact that I wasn’t going to get what I thought I came there for, I started enjoying it more.  Just another typical Indian experience.   It never really turns out the way you imagine.  Sometimes that’s good,  sometimes not so good.  But in this case it’s great.

One final note, the motor scooter.  I remember when I first arrived in India I was intrigued, or freaked out, as I recall about crossing the street in this insane traffic. My oh my how far I’ve come. Not only am I crossing the street, but I’m driving in it.  I think it’s actually improving my concentration and mindfulness though. It pretty much has to or  you won’t make it.  I never thought I would have the courage to attempt it, but I’m finding I quite like it now.  There’s the occasional Ox that you can’t get around. And you can’t really blow your horn when a cow makes a sudden right turn without signaling.   But other than that, everyone seems to have a mutual understanding of the controlled chaos of Indian traffic. 

Out of the heat...sort of

Ok. I give. Game over.  Heat 1 me 0.  I decided a few days ago that I didn’t really need to suffer as much as I thought. After talking to a few folks, I discovered that there was actually a nicer suburb in the Mysore area called Gokulum. It reportedly has better and cooler accommodations.  It’s also home to the famous Pattabhi Jois Yoga Shala(studio) which is frequented by many westerners with a lot of money.  Madonna actually being one of them.   So there,  if it’s good enough for Madonna it’s good enough for me.

So I’m happy to report that I’ve moved on up to the east side where it’s really only slightly cooler, but at least it’s more comfortable.  I had forgotten how important comfort and cleanliness were to my state of mind.  It’s actually made a difference in my meditation practice as well, since I’ve been able to set up a beautiful shrine with candles and incense.

 I do have to say that I miss my Indian toilet though. For those of you who don’t know, an Indian toilet is basically a hole in the floor that you have to squat over to use.  They really help to develop lower back, leg and abdominal muscles.  Yoga on the toilet.  Something we don’t get to practice much in the West.  I’ll also miss the cows I walked past every morning on my way to the studio.  There’s a milking station of sorts on the side of the road right next to my old apartment.  Every morning the cows report to “work”, patiently wait for the owner of the store to milk them, and then wander on their way down the street to look for the day’s food.  I love greeting the sweet darlings. So I may have to go out of my way to see them tomorrow.  Cows are sacred here. Once you see them, you understand why.

I laugh when I stop to think about how different my day to day life is here compared to LA.  I’m trying to make sure I savor every moment as I move into my last month in India…this time.   Ah yes, as I dream about making yoga more of an integral part of my life, I believe more time in India is a distinct possibility. I start Harmonium lessons on Tuesday so I can lead Kirtan(sing and response chanting).   Who knows where I’ll end up.  I love putting out the intention, as new agey as that may sound, and seeing what happens. So many dreams So many possibilities . 

Reporting from the Deep End

Well it seems that this supposed last leg of my journey is proving to be the longest. I received word this week from my tenants stating that they will be staying until the end of June.  So I thought to myself, exactly what is it that I need to get back for? No job, no responsibilities, someone is paying my mortgage, and everyone I talk to says don’t come back the economy sucks.   I don’t know, but it seems pretty clear that I have the green light to continue doing what I’m doing.

It’s interesting though. I find myself at times longing to go home. I really miss the comforts of western life sometimes.  A lot of times actually. Especially in this heat. I was warned about being in south India past April, but had no idea it would be this hot. There is no AC in my apartment and the other night the electricity went off so there wasn’t even a fan.  I got 2 cold water bottles from the fridge and lodged them between my groin to try and cool off (an old trick from my ICU days we used for febrile patients.)Yes, it was that bad.

One of the first precepts in yoga is Santosha (the practice of contentment).   No problem doing this when things are going the way we want them to go, right?  But when the power goes off, and the oven is on full blast it’s a whole different level of practice.  A level here in India I’m faced with from the minute I get up to the minute I go to bed, and then some.

So I’ve been asking myself this question lately. Why do I put myself in these situations that push my buttons and challenge my comfort  level?   Having had some time to reflect on this the past week or so, I’ve been able to see patterns throughout my life. It’s certainly not the first time I’ve jumped into the deep end and come face to face with my limitations.  So to be perfectly honest, I’m not totally sure what the answer is. But looking at it in the light of  yoga practice, I think it has something to do with a topic I mentioned in a previous blog entry:  developing a new relationship with pain.  Because let’s face it, noone likes pain.  I mean for me, as soon as discomfort arises I want to change the situation somehow or run away from it.  I just don’t have a lot of tolerance for being uncomfortable.  However, that seems to be changing a bit.  My yoga teacher has taken me through the fire these past 2 weeks. From moments of terror to panic to tears to calm to serenity. Talk about a journey.  I’ve resisted and resisted emphatically stating “No, I can’t go deeper into the pose, I can’t relax. These are my limits , this is as far as my body will stretch. I can’t let go, it hurts too much.  STOP!“  But day after day he proves me wrong. And proves me wrong in monumental ways.  Knocking down every barrier I erect and showing me that the problem is my mind, not my body. 

I suppose the reward for putting myself in these uncomfortable positions, places and situations, is the joy that comes from watching them transform into comfortable positions, places and situations.  And the joy of watching my level of comfort  grow exponentially. No one said a spiritual life would ever be easy. In fact, it rarely is. But that doesn’t mean that it can’t be a joyful one. Even when it’s excrutiating and at times seemingly unbearable.  That is certainly what India has felt like to me on many occasions over the past 4 months. But apparently  I’m addicted to growth, and  can’t seem to get enough. So the journey continues. At least for another few weeks.

I leave you with the words of the wise master BKS Iyengar:

“Since pain is inevitable, asana(yoga) is a laboratory in which we discover how to tolerate the pain that cannot be avoided and how to transform the pain that can”

Back to the South

After spending an amazing day at the Taj Mahal last week, I arrived back in southern India on Friday for the last segment of my trip. It’s been a challenging month to say the very least. I think if I would have asked anyone who has spent time here to review my itinerary, they would have advised against it.   In  retrospect, that would have probably been good advice.  However, having done it I must say I’m thrilled to have been able to experience so many different aspects of Indian culture. The down side is that it kind of took an emotional and physical toll on me. I don't feel like I can bargain for one more rupee. I’m pooped.  It’s true what they say, that the hardest thing about traveling in India is traveling.

So I’m finally in Mysore in the state of Karnataka not far from where I started out 3 months ago.  No more trains or buses for awhile. Just yoga and relaxation.   I feel so fortunate to have found this wonderful teacher of Ashtanga yoga, and will be studying with him for a month.   Ajay Kumar at www.yogamysore.com if you’re interested.  Ashtanga is  a very vigorous style of yoga that involves lots of movement and lots of sweating. Oh and pain, lots of pain. But good pain as my teacher says while standing on my inner thighs.   In spite of that, I must say I’m really enjoying this lifestyle of early morning meditation, 2 hours of yoga, 2 hours for leisurely breakfast with other students in the class, afternoon naps and reading, optional 2 hour afternoon class, leisurely dinner(again 2-3 hours), and early to bed.  I can’t think of a better way to finish up my time in India.  Actually I can’t think of a better way to live my life.  More on that later. 

It’s really quite wonderful to meet so many people from all over the world who have left corporate jobs and are seeking more spiritual depth in their lives.  Last night at our pizza/movie dinner there were 12 people from 11 different countries.  We laughed when we talked about how different our sense of what normal to us is now versus what it was before we came to India.  

I am so grateful for the series of events that led me to be here.  How often in life do we take an extended amount of time to actually do what we love to do?  That to me, is the greatest sense of fulfillment and an invaluable gift. 

Dharamsala

Once again I find myself in Delhi, with what has become a bit of a refuge and recharging station. I have connected with this wonderful Indian family and have been renting a room from them in between my north Indian travel jaunts . They live conveniently next to the yoga center so I am able to get a bit spiritually recharged as well.

I’m happy to report that I made it to and from Dharamsala safe and sound. More safe than sound actually.   I ‘m exhausted and a bit rattled after 12 hours on a rickety old bus with broken seats.  But happy to have made the journey. I kept thinking about the sweet old Tibetan man sitting next to me. What must he have gone through in his life to be where he is now.  I heard so many stories in the past few days of how people had to eat grass in order to survive the journey into Nepal and finally  into India. They risked everything for freedom. It somehow made the bumps in the road seem not quite as significant. I was also amazed at how he seemed to sleep the entire trip. With what he must have gone through in his life, I’m sure that a bumpy bus ride wouldn’t enter into his consciousness as something uncomfortable.  Also, it was just really nice to be on a bus full of monks and nuns.  Regardless of the bumps.

We actually stayed in Mcleod Gang, where the Dalai Lama resides. Well actually Bhagsu, which is just north of Mcleod, well actually above Bhagsu in a mountain house next to a waterfall.  It was truly spectacular!  However, just a word of advice—when a trekking guide tells you the place you will be staying is rustic,  have an idea of what you think rustic is, and bring it down a few hundred notches.  I must say I bristled a bit when I saw that there was no electricity and no heat. Mind you, we’re about 6000 feet above sea level and I have a light jacket. Fortunately my friend had an extra sleeping bag.  So I put on all the clothes I could, lit some candles,  watched the stars a bit, and had a nice sleep. See! My adjustment time is getting quicker.  Like one of our teachers in the yoga training said, you should always be happy whether or not you are staying in a 5 star hotel or a billion star hotel. 

My friend from the yoga training took me on an all day trek the next day. See the pictures in the blog. I’ve never seen mountains like the Himalayas. They just go on and on and on.  It was a 3000 foot vertical climb, starting at around 6000 feet.  So it definitely pushed my limits.  Nevertheless the beauty, the quiet, the fresh air made it all worthwhile.   I’m continually astonished at all the different facets of this country. I get frustrated sometimes when I think of all the things there are to do and experience here.

My plan now is to head back south for about 3 weeks. I’m taking an Ashtanga yoga course in Mysore to round out my yoga experience. After that, I’m not sure. But at least I can rest from traveling for a bit and stay in one place. That is a nice thought.